Just An Ordinary Actress

Sanders Family Christmas - Promo Video

2010-12-02T15:27:00.000-08:00

Drug Trafficing Map for - Cross-Cultural Perspectives

2010-11-29T11:28:00.001-08:00

NOVEMBER??!!

2010-11-12T14:32:00.000-08:00

Hey all,

So, of course, nothing can go as planned... best laid plans of mice and men and all that... but, I've moved twice in a month, closed a run of four shows in nine months out in Michigan, and now I'm back in Chicago rehearsing for the Holidays! Where did the time go?

I must say that I LOVE my new apartment. The street I'm on is quiet, but not so quiet that the dog gets bored of looking out the window. We are walking distance from the lake still, which we walked to yesterday. School is going well. I'm in my last class before my Capstone class. I am psyched! I'm almost done! Rehearsals are going great... I'm doing "Sanders Family Christmas" with Provision Theatre Company. It is most of the same cast from when Provision did "Smoke on the Mountain". Not everyone is back, obviously, but a little over half of us are returnees. It's lovely, and it's in a lovely new theatre!

Last time, when we did "Smoke..." we were in the Viaduct Theatre which was a much smaller space. I liked it, but I think this space is better for the Sanders Family.

I have no insights today... I'm struggling with keeping a positive mind-set to be honest. It's tough out here. I'm looking for a 9-5 day job that'll pay me enough that I can survive, and that pursuit is very wearying. It's such a basic thing, and when you can't get a handle on it it's hard to keep all the other stuff going.

Most of the time, though, things just click right along. I'm excited for the holidays, and can't wait to post pics for everyone of the crafty extravaganza that Christmas will be this year!!!

Hope you are all well, and enjoying the fall!

Coming Home

2010-08-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a long while since I've written, and this might sound crazy, but lately I feel more like myself than I have in a long long time. I have no idea what it is, but I'm approaching all my creative tasks like I used to, and now just as things that MUST be ticked off an ever-expanding check list. I think I've found new inspirations, and I have no idea where this gift came from!

Maybe I haven't really been honest with myself, or maybe I gave myself over to something that I thought would make me happy, but it just made me miserable... and maybe I did that one too many times and I got lost.

But, as I sit here right now... having just lit a lavender candle... listening to beautiful, humble music... with Oxford in my lap... I feel peace. Real peace. And I feel it for the first time in a long long time. Where did I go?

This weekend I had some very honest communication with a few important people in my life... and somehow knowing that I'm not alone, and experiencing truth instead of denying it has made me... Not "happy." Maybe I'm just home again...

I belong in creativity. I belong in the moment. I should be writing and creating and enjoying those creations... I should be loving, and living, and really enjoying things... and I've been dead to it...

I still have the same list of things to figure out... What am I going to do for work in November (and beyond)? Where am I going to live? Etc, etc, etc... I just need to tackle things as they come, I suppose, and I need to stay here, in the moment.

Teeth...

2010-05-24T20:08:00.000-07:00

So, I'm in Michigan and I'm finally recovering from an unexpected oral surgery. I had an issue with one of my wisdom teeth, and since they had to remove it, I told 'em to take the rest out too. I got to go home and recuperate for a week while Jocylyn (cheoreographer to the stars) went on for me. Thank God for Jocylyn... and thank Jocylyn for going through all that trouble and hard work to make the show go on.

It's finally warm out, and since there's no air conditioning in the house I purchased an extrememly cheap kiddie pool at Wal-mart today. I'm very much looking forward to christening it tomorrow.

I'm also working on a wizard of oz themed quilt. It's turning out pretty great, and I really feel like I'm quilting the right way for the first time in my life. I'm not "winging it" as usual. I'm actually cutting properly and pressing properly, and I bought a brand new foot for the sewing maching that will allow me to quilt properly as well when the time comes.

My studies are also going well. I'm currently researching Anton Chekhov and how the historical period in which he lived influenced his works (stories and plays). It's fun. No, I swear, I find it fascinating...

The puppy is good, I'm feeling better, and things are going very well. I'm very thankful for all of the great beauty in my life right now... and my new kiddie pool.

Church Basement Ladies II Review!!

2010-04-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

'Church Basement Ladies' cooks up fun
Christopher Tower • For the Enquirer • April 23, 2010

Have you ever wanted to know what goes on in the church basement kitchen? If you didn't learn the secrets of quality Scandinavian food preparation a la northern Minnesota in the first show, "Church Basement Ladies" returns with "The Second Helping" of town gossip, fear of the "cities," and life lessons seen through the window over the basement kitchen counter.

Though the first church basement musical packed the halls of Cornwell's so full in 2008 that the dinner theater ran it again in 2009, this version trumps both with a cast of solid professionals who polish this rough-cut stone into a glittering gem. And if that's not enough to lure people from the blooming spring weather, Cornwell's has installed a new sound system with ample microphones for performers and digital enhancements that separate vocals to provide every seat in the dining hall with perfect acoustics.

Two performers from "Dixie Swim Club" (Amber Burgess and Emily Bodkin) stay on to be church ladies with newcomers (Lyndsey Agron and Madeline Fallier), and they comprise one of the most solid, four-person ensembles ever to grace a Cornwell's stage. Marshall local Alan Elliott rounds out the cast, reprising his role of the Pastor Gunderson.

The show charts out three generations of women who volunteer in the church kitchen. Vivian Snudstad (Burgess) has retired as head of the kitchen. Mavis Gilmerson (Bodkin) is the quintessential farmer's wife with grown children, though not as much seniority as Mrs. Snudstad. Karin Engleson (Agron) fills the second generation of church ladies with a newlywed daughter, a new role as head of the kitchen, and many years ahead of her. Beverly Engelson (Fallier) plays the third generation, a young newlywed and newly pregnant kitchen worker who chooses the small-town Lutheran church over a more fast-paced life in the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul.
The women's lives unfurl like a multi-faceted quilt (which is also a prop in the show) through four scenes, two acts, and a dozen musical numbers. Together, in their sanctuary of activity and fellowship, they cope with triumphs and tragedies that life serves them with humor and love. Some of the funniest lines include: "We're Scandinavian; we don't have feelings"; "Happy? We're Lutheran. Happiness has nothing to do with it"; and as a direction of what to do with bad leftovers: "Scrape it into the slop bucket and I'll take it home and give it to the pigs. Keeps 'em regular."
Even the pastor gets into the act, sharing news of the Viking Super Bowl of 1970 instead of the church meeting and learning to play the guitar as the church catches up with the "flower children" of the times. Alan Elliott plays a wonderful straight man to the zaniness of the four ladies.

And the ladies are the delightful main dish. Amber Burgess shows off once again why Top Hat Productions has locked her in to many of this season's shows. She remains consistently in character as Mrs. Snudstad, keeping all movements age-appropriate even when dancing. But at the same time, her low-key performance of the dour widow is brilliantly funny. Emily Bodkin shows the greatest range in the show, playing a character complete unlike the one from "The Dixie Swim Club." Bodkin also really belts out one of the show's earliest and best numbers: "God's Way of Saying."

A Shout Out!!!

2010-03-22T09:57:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to write a quick "hello" to Dennis and Debbie who came to see "Dixie..." this last weekend. Guys, it really made my day to talk to you, and I hope you enjoyed the show as much as we enjoyed performing it for you!

To all the rest of you, the show is going really well, and I can't believe that we are just two weekends from closing. I have really enjoyed doing "Dixie Swim Club" and the process has been great. The cast couldn't be better-suited... and that comment goes two ways: Every person in the show is perfect for their role, and also the ensemble is perfect for eachother.

I've been really lucky lately to be in the company of such great talent, and I hope the trend continues.

Rehearsals start for "Church Basement Ladies II: A Second Helping" on Wednesday. I'm playing another old lady, so if it would amuse you to see me as a sarcastic, dry, lefse-wielding septagenarian then come on up!! CBL runs for something like thirteen weeks, so there's plenty of opportunity to see it.

Classes are going well (currently enrolled in "History of the American Constitution"), Oxford is great, and all is well... Any suggestions from anyone for fun things to do in Michigan? I'm going to be here for awhile...

Dixie Swim Club Review

2010-03-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

'Dixie Swim Club' one of the best shows the theatre's ever done
Christopher Tower • For the Enquirer • February 27, 2010

You know you're in for a treat when the server at the dinner theater knows what's best on the menu.

"It's one of the best shows they've ever done," exclaimed Celeste Briegel of Battle Creek, a server at Cornwell's Professional Dinner Theatre in Marshall Township speaking of the new show that kicks off Turkeyville's 2010 season.

With a knowing half smile and a nod of the head, Celeste delivered her sincere preview of "The Dixie Swim Club" as she seated us for a Wednesday matinee in February. Seeing Celeste at many theatrical productions around the area, I knew her assessment was the well-considered reaction of a veteran theater patron.
"The Dixie Swim Club" lived up to Celeste's praise. It is one of the best shows ever to grace the stage of the turkey-themed dinner theater.

This delightful comedy drama by Jessie Jones, Nicholas Hope and Jamie Wooten has been described as "Steel Magnolias" meets "Same Time Next Year." But it resonates with notes of "Golden Girls" and even "On Golden Pond."
And yet such comparisons sell the show short. "The Dixie Swim Club" manages to grow into a unique experience that stands on its own.

The show spans 33 years in the lives of five Southern women, whose friendships began many years ago on their college swim team. Each year they gather together as they did in their competing days around the rallying cry of "the faster we swim, the sooner we win." With rules to leave spouses, kids and work at home, they meet at the same beach cottage on North Carolina's Outer Banks to drink, swim and enjoy their longtime friendships.

As all true ensemble shows, each character fits a different personality type. Sheree (Amber Burgess), the steadfast team captain, organizes the activities of each weekend. Dinah (Emily Bodkin), the career dynamo, drinks too much and cannot seem to find a man. The vain, sexpot Lexie (Brooke Beesley) believes the world revolves around her and her problems, until she has a problem too awful to share with the others. The epitome of bad luck, Vernadette (Kristin Danko), shows up each year with improbable injuries and even more outlandish events in her personal life, but she brings an acerbic wit and enthusiasm to each swim club gathering. And lastly, Jeri Neale (Laura Lynne Tapper), who had entered convent life, has a series of life-changing experiences that provide interest and opportunities for humor among the team.

The dialogue runs from hilarious to heart-wrenching as the lives of the women unfold and the years pass. These five actresses bond as the first of four scenes commences. It's clear that director Dennis McKeen has assembled a uniquely tight knit ensemble with the power to move emotions intensely. These women are five of the finest performers to ever grace the stage at Cornwell's.

Each performer creates a memorable character with crisp performances. At first, Laura Lynne Tapper's Jeri Neale seems the weakest of the lot, but then she precipitates the cause of what moved me to tears in the second scene. Though Lexie could easily be a caricature reminding some of Samantha from "Sex and the City," Brooke Beesley manages subtle changes and a richness of character. Though Danko and Bodkin deliver much of the comedy and the show's best lines, each shows a more serious side in scenes that are as funny as they are touching because of the talents of these fine actresses. And lastly, Amber Burgess proves why she is going to be featured in so many shows this season at Cornwell's. A consummate professional, Burgess also uses her considerable acting talent to create a character that rises above her stereotype in complexity and nuance.

"The Dixie Swim Club" deserves to play to packed houses every time the lights come up. If you make the time to see this show, you will be spreading the word about it just like Celeste Briegel and everyone who has filled the seats at the dinner theater.

South Dakota Trip: Oxford Mess...

2010-01-19T10:12:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm in South Dakota with my Grandmother and we have been having a great time.

The one snaffu is that I got a call this morning from the kennel where Oxford is staying. He had a reaction to his kennel-cough vaccine from earlier this week and he's sick. They put him into a kind of "special care" room which is isolated from any other dogs so he won't get to play at all the whole week I'm gone. I'm a little worried about him, but I know that he's in the best place possible because his vet is just a few feet from the pet hotel... It's just stressful.

Other than that, I'm having a wonderful time out here. Dad's coming out to visit and that should be fun and Grandma is talking about getting a wii... Yay!!

South Dakota, Here I come!!

2010-01-15T13:32:00.001-08:00

So, today is crazy... I'm getting packed to go to South Dakota to see my grandma. Yay! The problem is that my final paper is due on Sunday for Informal Logic and it needs to be finished. I also want to clean the apartment/do laundry before I leave so that when I come back I'm not overwhelmed by all of the chaos. I also have to do a little shopping.

For the fist time I'm boarding Oxford, and the kenel won't allow his normal treats so I have to go buy "approved" chew treats for him. I'm also going to buy him some nice food so he's psyched about eating it. I also signed him up for doggy day care so he can run and jump and play with the other dogs all day while I'm gone. I hope he's okay while I'm away.

I also must decide if I'm going to drive him to the kenel and then try to get parking here and take the train to the airport, or will it be worth it to park the car in the long-term parking at the airport? Can't decide...

Here I am, with lots of little, silly stuff to do and what am I actually doing right now??!! I'm writing a blog entry about how much I have to do. Writing a blog entry is not on the list... I must be procrastinating.

Can I take my knitting on the plane now? Security has been fine with bamboo knitting needles, but is it harder now? Hmmm... Must research.

Alright, I'm being ridiculous.

I'm going to go pack my suitcase and do the dishes.

Trip updates pending...

"If I logic makes me happy, and no sane person would love logic, then I must be completely off my rocker."

2010-01-14T09:37:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling wonderful, and immediately made an agenda for today... forgetting that it is finals week for my class and that I have a paper due on Sunday. Sorry fun activities, I guess we'll hang out some other day.

I'm currently getting a B.A. in Social Sciences from Ashford University's Distance Learning Department. I was a little skeptical about it at first, but I now think this is a great way to get a Bachelor's if you are in this business. It certainly doesn't replace the "brick and mortar" experience (which is social and fosters connections), but it is a viable option.

My Mom actually started me thinking about going back. She was doing the distance learning program from U of Phoenix through her work and was doing really well with it. She was also challenged by it, and that appealed to me even more... I like being challenged.

So, my current class is on logic. We disect human interaction into valid and invalid arguments... the problem being that you eventually have to completely ignore the content of the human interactions and boil them down into mathmatical equations... and the book itself is a tar pit of words... The language is sticky and hard to understand. This class may be my first B (it's even possible that I might get a C).

Eventhough there's work to be done, I think it is necessary to take the puppy on an adventure. I also need to get a new printer cable. That's settled: Oxford goes on a field trip to Best Buy with me.

Then I'll come home, make a pot of coffee, and get working.

What do you think the odds are on this actually happening? I'll probably end up thinking about how I should be writing my paper while I try to break 200 in Wii bowling...

One Man's Trash: An Oxford Story

2009-12-26T21:58:00.000-08:00

Today when I got home from work I decdied to take Oxford for a long walk. We turned west on Belmont out our front door and I could just tell that Oxford caught a scent.

Oxford is half beagle and half chihuahua, and sometimes one tendency will tend to rule his behavior. Tonight it was his beagle-ness.

Sometimes when Oxford gets a scent I make him continue on his walk, but tonight I had a good feeling about letting him go find whatever it was he was looking for. So, I followed him south down Cambridge and around through the alley behind my building. He went into a parking complex that's behind our building, he went back out into the alley, he went south again, then west, then east... He seemed to have no aim whatsoever, but his little nose was burried in the snow trying to get something the whole time. I figured he was tracking another dog, or one of the alley cats, or just kids who had been playing in the alley. He wasn't likely to actually catch any of these things, and he'd have to get cold eventually so we just kept walking.

Then as we were about to turn back onto Cambridge on our way back to the apartment he stopped next to a big blue dumpster. He circled himself a few times, and then he started digging. The snow and ice chunks flew behind him as he got more and more frantic, then he hit something that wasn't the concrete of the alley. I could see something shiny and black, and then he picked it up and dragged it out of the snow that was around the dumpster. It was a vinyl record album.

The record was cracked and scratched almost beyond recogonition, but he was adamant about having it. Usually when Oxford finds something like this he sets about destroying it almost immediately, but he picked up the record and dropped it at my feet.

Okay... let's see what it is.

The album was one I'd never heard of by someone I'd never heard of. It was the album "Soliloquy" by Errol Garner. I recognized some of the titles, and intimately knew all of the composers (Hammerstien, Porter, etc, etc, etc). Hmmm.

I knew the record wouldn't play, but I was curious. After giving me the record Oxford felt his mission was done, so we went back home. I hopped on the internet, and on the off-chance that I'd find some mp3 downloads on amazon.com I searched "Errol Garner" "Soliloquy". Guess what. There were hundreds of tracks, so I picked an album "Errol Garner: The Complete Savoy Master Tracks" and downloaded it.

I picked "Over the Rainbow" as the first track I wanted to listen to, and as the song started it just did something to me. I started crying and smiling at the same time... The way Errol Garner plays the piano squeezes my heart.

I live life for these moments, for these discoveries, for experiences like this... When a piece of garbage burried in the snow in an alley leads to inexpressible beauty it is a gift like no other.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T10:31:00.001-08:00

One Whore Soapin' Sleigh?

2009-12-15T08:09:00.002-08:00

When I was a little kid I was a question asker, and a lot of the time it irritated my family. I learned really early to derive meaning from context, and if I wasn't sure what something meant, that was okay... There were a lot of things I didn't understand, so I lived in blissful ignorance until I was enlightened. This enlightenment really began to happen in my 20's.

Yeah, that's right.

I spent two decades thinking that the couch that could fold out into a bed was a "hydabed"... like that was just the name for it. When I saw "hide-a-bed" in print I flipped out. I couldn't stop saying "HIDE... A.... BED! HIDE-A-BED! YOU HIDE A BED INSIDE A COUCH!!!"

Another good one was the Phil Collins song "Invisible Touch". I honestly thought that it was "She seems to have an invisible TALK SHOW, She reaches in, and grabs my POLIO." Go listen to it and TELL ME IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT IS WHAT HE IS SAYING!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ro57k4GRTUU

(The video that accompanies this song on this youtube link is a tribute to the character Rayne from "Firefly"... that's for you, Joe).

Christmas brings back one of these memories in particular. For nearly twenty years I blissfully sang the words, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one WHORE SOAPIN' SLEIGH." I saw and actually read this song in print for the first time at the age of EIGHTEEN. I had no idea what a whore was when I was a little kid... I just knew it was a word, and I also had no idea why you would want to soap one up in a sleigh... wouldn't that be cold? Ah, well... Even after learning what a whore was, I still didn't really think about this lyric. I just accepted it.

It makes me think of all the elementary school christmas programs where I was singing about a prostitute taking a bath in the open air in winter, while everyone else was singing about horses.

But, ya know what? Maybe it would be fun to ride in a one whore soapin' sleigh... just sayin.

Merry Christmas!

Professional Update

2009-12-15T08:09:00.001-08:00

Hello there, dear readers...

Just thought I'd give you all an update on upcoming shows, etc.

I have accepted an offer from Cornwell's Dinner Theatre to play Sheree Hollinger in Dixie Swim Club (also starring Emily Bodkin and Kristin Danko). Very excited. Rehearsals start February 2nd, and the show runs Feb 18 - April 30. Here's the link for tickets:

http://www.turkeyville.com/theatre.taf?_function=detail&show_id=136

I basically play the ultimate health-nut soccer mom... in her 40's. Yup.

Yeah, we do...

2009-12-14T13:21:00.000-08:00

Why? I'll tell you why: A response.

2009-12-11T18:26:00.000-08:00

The other day I stumbled on this book review:

http://www.fnewsmagazine.com/2005-feb/current/pages/17.shtml

Yes, it's for the book "He's Just Not That Into You". No, I haven't read this book, and no I probably will not, but this article fascinated me.

This review asks the question, "Why do you need a book to tell you something that is so obvious?" Because, to some unenlightened individuals it isn't obvious.

We are not all so lucky as to have been in up-front straight-forward relationships in the past. I think that many of us experience the same kind of confusion that characterizes readers of this book at least once in our lives. We want to believe the best of people (especially people we are attracted to) so we make excuses. Maybe we do need a dose of reality.

Charmaine Bee (author of the review) goes on to say, "I also have my doubts about why the author seems to continually reinforce the idea of the male assuming the role of aggressor. Why can't a woman go after what she wants without being called too aggressive? I mean, seriously, let's step out of the Stone Age. If women left the drive to "get what they want" at home, we'd still be waiting to be allowed to go to the polls. Let's not insult our own intelligence. " Greg Behrendt is playing a game of averages here. It's true, most men aren't into aggressive women. Most men do like the hunt. Most men is what this book is about, not every man.

One of the terrible things about humans is that in a way we will never "step out of the stone age". We are (and always have been) walking chemistry projects. We are effected by the chemicals careening around our bodies, and attraction is as primitive as anything else. We'll be likely to step out of the stone age where dating is concerned as soon as we can get rid of all those pesky "emotions" and "instincts".

From what I read in an excerpt of "He's Just Not That Into You" in USA Today (http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/excerpts/2004-09-08-hes-just_x.htm ) this book is actually about women going out and doing relevant things instead of waiting for a mate. Liz, the book's co-author says this, "And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We're fantastic. " That doesn't sound very neanderthal to me... In fact, it sounds like it's not a bad idea. "Be yourself, and who cares?" It seems like Liz would've been more likely to go out and fight for the vote after reading this book than she was before reading it...

The reviewer asks, "why do we need some author, who we don't know, telling us how "beautiful" and "great" we are?" Well, not everyone was blessed with such a sense of fortitude and high self esteem as Ms. Bee, and no matter how many times someone says it to us we still have trouble believing it. We need to be reminded, or in some cases convinced.

Tonight I was talking to Dan and he reminded me about something. Most of the times in my life when relationships have failed are the times when I was trying to be something I'm not. The other times when they have failed is when I proved to be "too much" for the other person to handle (which is why, inevitably, the next time I tried to be something I wasn't). In Dan's words, "Some people can't handle you, so who cares?"

The answer: I care, which is why the cycle I described above keeps happening. I try to avoid "relationship advise" books like this one because, for me, they give a clear strategy that is easily employed, and is generally effective, but the result is that the other half of the relationship falls in love with a falacy, something that doesn't exist. I turn into something attractive, some version of me with no mess or issues... and trying to be someone I'm not never works for my long-term happiness.

I've got mess. Plenty of it. I've got issues... (The word "space" puts my nerves on edge, for example). And those are parts of me. No, nobody should have "full disclosure". I'd feel betrayed if ANYONE read my journal, even if I've told you most of what's in it, but people should ideally be honest with one-another.

Is this impossible?

Maybe, and maybe this book has helped some women (and men, presumably) get more comfortable in the relationship arena... And if it's helped anyone I'm all for it.

So, I'm not going to read this book, but I'm also not going to knock anyone who has. I won't say that the author lives in the past, or that those who need this advise are idiots. I think the book is probably right, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with someone telling you the truth... that you are wonderful, and maybe he's just not that into you.

Eggnog and the marital status of kermit and piggy.

2009-12-07T21:43:00.000-08:00

Are there eggs in eggnog? I looked it up, and as it turns out, yes there are. I found a recipe I want to try, actually.

http://coffeetea.about.com/od/eggnog/r/chocnog.htm

No raw eggs!

So, the other day when I had this thought initially, I was looking up christmas cookie recipes. I'm thinking about actually trying to bake some awsome cookies... we'll see if this happens.

I'm getting more into the holiday spirit, and the other day I watched "Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa" on hulu.com... it's still posted if you want to go watch it (the commercials, incidentally, are FABULOUS). Anyway, I started thinking... in Muppets Christmas Piggy and Kermit are going on a vacation together... so... are they married? Did that actually happen? I seem to remember them getting married at the end of Muppets Take Manhattan (I think), but was that real, or was it them playing parts in a movie...? I had no idea, so I looked it up.

Here is the video of their wedding ceremony on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0P5FzSe3qw

According to her wikipedia page, piggy and kermit are not married...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miss_Piggy

(and also her full name is Miss Pigatia Lee, or "Piggy Lee". Cute!)

But according to the quote below, they are married, and kermit is in denial.

"But her life is not all work and jewels. Her famously documented romance with Kermit the Frog continues to be the source of media fascination. Miss Piggy says that they have married, although Kermit is 'in a wee bit of denial about the exact nature of our marital status'.
Whatever the legalities, the couple has provided a discreetly classy example for lesser stars like Brad and Jennifer about conducting a relationship in the white-hot media spotlight. Of their romance, Piggy says that it is 'private' and 'an inferno'. For his part, Kermit is on record as saying he doesn't know whether children are in their future as he is not sure he wants to be the father to a bunch of 'Pogs'.
One thing he is sure about, Miss Piggy tells anybody who asks, is that Kermit does not want her to lose an ounce. 'Moi is not a skinny, skinny girl. Moi is what Moi am -- full figured. And Moi's frog thinks that is gangbusters!' "

And, as you can see above, they seem to be featured on the cover of Muppet Magazine in full regalia. Hmmmm.

I guess we'll never know for sure.

Best Buy Commercials! Woot! (and etc...)

2009-12-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

So, the crazy filming schedule, etc is officially done... For this year at least... I fully intend to audition next year if my life hasn't taken me in a different direction. Who knows?

I really do have a need to make some additional funds. My lovely job at the Best Buy is only part-time, and isn't necessarily stable schedule-wise. An example: my shifts this week were 8:45AM on Tuesday, Noon to Five Yesterday, and Five to Eleven today. It's tough to organize your life ahead of time with that kind of variance. I'm very happy to have this job, but it'd be great to have more routine (yes, I just said that).

I also found a dance studio in town where you can take classes and pay by class. It's Joel Hall Dance Center. I've taken Ballet and Tap this week. Lyrical and tap last week. I intend to take ballet twice a week tuesdays and thursdays and to take tap on Sunday mornings while I'm in town. It's GREAT!

I just have to get my bootie into some more auditions than I've been doing. It's tough to motivate yourself when you've got some bookings already lined up... Hmmmmmm.

Alright! I'm going for a jog with the dog on the lakefront... we had a bit of a walk by the lake this morning and it has inspired me to try to take him on my run. It's never worked out before (He's not very good running beside me without jumping up and freaking out), but perhaps today is a day for progress!

Of Course the other side is...

2009-12-04T10:09:00.000-08:00

HOWEVER, the wonderful thing about Facebook is that there are friends in my life that have gone on a different road because of a passion they have, or work, or distance, etc, etc, etc...

I have the opportunity to communicate with these people through this means, and just because they aren't in my life anymore doesn't mean that I love them any less.

There are a ton of examples of this, and it is why I'm still a part of that strange little Facebook community. It's so funny to think about the mish-mash of people that are your Facebook Friends... For me it ranges from people I did one show with, to people I had a few classes with in High School, to people that I couldn't live without, to people that gave birth to me (well, only one person that gave birth to me, really).

I can't say how valuable this is to me. I can check on someone. I send them a message. I can get back in touch. I can network.

... and of course, I can check on the people in my life that were significant who have made a life without me and see them happy.

That's lovely.

Why do I even look at Facebook??!!

2009-12-03T20:37:00.000-08:00

"Isn't this better, the way it should be?

Better for them, and oh, so much better for me?"

- Kander & Ebb

"Isn't This Better" from "World Goes Round"

There are so many people in my life that I've lost track of, and it mostly because of the travel, and partly because I'm not the greatest communicator. Very seldom I make a conscious choice to remove people from my immediate circle of friends, and though these choices are difficult to make it is usually because I am holding on to someone that I should have let go long ago...

Well, sometimes I use Facebook to check up on these people who have gone on a different path, and it makes me introspective. If things had happened the way I so desperately wanted them to where would I be now? I'd still feel the same deficiencies in my life, and I would probably be taking it out on these people.

Not a pretty picture.

So, it's a good thing that people phase in and out of our lives... The funny part is when you realize that it was impossible for you to ever make someone happy, just as it is impossible for someone else to make you happy... Just the facts, folks... I think that I have this tendency to see things in other people that would enrich my life. I find things to love in others, and I think that I try to find things for them to love in me. The real magic happens when you find a person who finds things to love about you and you find things to love about them... and it just happens. This is the basis of great friendships. You don't have to try to make it work.

Not to say that relationships aren't difficult sometimes. They are. They have to be. It's just that when you find a truly great friend, they just love YOU...

I try really hard sometimes. I try really hard to make friends and keep them. I really love community. I love to feel at home somewhere. I love acceptance. But what I love the most is being valuable, contributing, teaching, helping... I want to be significant in people's lives.

It's always tough when you revisit a failed friendship, but it's bittersweet because it is inevitable that when I go back and look at these people and where they are in life now, I find that they are happy. Happy is something they maybe could've never really been with me around. It's sad, I suppose. But better for them... and oh, so much better for me...

Strange...

2009-11-19T15:37:00.001-08:00

So you know I'm in a wiered mood when Brittany Spears songs start to speak to me in a deeply personal way.

TWELPFORCE CAROLERS!

2009-11-11T21:11:00.000-08:00

Okay, I've watched all of them that are available online right now... I think we filmed more than this, but I can't be sure... It seems like we did...

Anyway!

You can access all the videos through this link. It's super cute, and I hope you guys like these as much as I enjoyed filming them!

Yay!

http://www.bestbuygiftadvice.com/bestbuy.php

Okay...

2009-11-11T20:56:00.000-08:00

Here's one... I think you can link to the rest of the carols here as well... I just found this one, and I'm gonna try watching more of them.

http://www.bestbuygiftadvice.com/bestbuy.php

Yeah.

Enjoy.

Why...

2009-11-11T19:13:00.000-08:00

Why do I sometimes feel like I can't do anything right?

Don't know what brought this on, but it's here, and I'm writing about it.

It's ridiculous.

I feel at this moment that I am a big screw-up, and that I do not have the ability to be who I want to be. Like I sabotage myself without my own knowledge or consent.

I suppose this happens from time to time, and it ALWAYS passes. It's a momentary thing, but it's here right now. I do not live up to my own standards for myself in this moment, and I wish that I did. That's all.

No, that's not right at all... I feel... like I am living up to my potential? Maybe. I have no idea...

I'm not particularly emotional about it... I'm not feeling down on myself. I just have this unsettled feeling. Like sometimes I don't let myself live up to my own potential, and that in my pursuit of my goals I don't really let myself be ME. Like I think that if I'm someone else I'll be better or deserve it more...

I don't know...

I cried tonight because I found myself in a situation that I didn't feel good enough for. That's the truth of it. I don't think I'm really good enough, or I don't deserve it... something. I cried. With no reason to cry. I have nothing to complain about. It wasn't sadness. I cannot explain it. I just cried.

"GLEE" may have had something to do with it. I cannot watch that show and not cry... hmmmm... perhaps I'm just overly emotional, or sentimental, but I just feel this wonderful, awful, prosperous, draining, beauty... What is WRONG with me??!!

Okay... a glass of wine... a bath... some snuggles with the puppy... and bed time...

If there are any mystery solvers in the crowd, please enlighten me!!

I'm sort of in The New York Times...

2009-11-09T15:08:00.000-08:00

Here's a New York Times article about the Best Buy christmas campaign:

http://bits.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/10/01/best-buy-plans-a-very-twitter-christmas/?pagemode=print

New Video!

2009-11-09T14:58:00.000-08:00

So, I think this might be the last one... but, here is Valerie who was in my TV commercials, but not my web commercials.

As soon as I get more, you guys will see them.

I'm in this one a bit, too. Not too much... but a bit.

Okay, here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_d5UgCWncuY

Yet another new video from my commercial shoot...

2009-11-07T16:27:00.000-08:00

This is Danielle's video documentary from our Best Buy commercial shoot... you get to see a bit more behind-the-scenes stuff in this one, including our music director Adam, our director Jon, and, of course, mois.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9b5zjtLJTVY&feature=sub

Enjoy!

PS Some of you may be asking, "When do we get to see Amber's documentary?" Well, they didn't make a documentary about me, so you'll have to settle for seeing me in the background of Antoine's and Danielle's... Maybe I'll make a documentary about me...?

XO,
A

New Pet Peeves...

2009-11-04T08:58:00.000-08:00

A list of some of my new pet peeves:

1. I hate the moment that you realize that you are only getting emails from one of your friends if they are scam forwards that say, "Forward this to five friends and you get a million dollars!" If my primary purpose in your life is to be spamed, please take me out of your address book.

2. It drives me a little nuts when you say, "How are you today?" and the person you're addressing says, "Hi." It's as if they are restarting the conversation. Do I say, "Hi." back? Or do I continue? I asked a question. It was "How are you?" Acceptable answers are: "Good." "Fine." "Okay." or even, "I'm looking for an MP3 Player." Perhaps this whole time people were actually saying, "High." Like, "How are you today?" "I'm high. I got totally wasted last night and the buzz hasn't worn off." I suppose "high." is an acceptable answer. Perhaps I'll take it as such in the future.

Best Buy Pics!

2009-11-04T08:37:00.001-08:00

Here's some screen caps that I lifted from the Best Buy video on youtube about Antoine! Yay!!

New Video for Best Buy Commercials

2009-11-04T08:24:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone! They did a little documentary on Antoine Mance (the other Chicagoan in the commercials with me) for the Behind-the-Scenes videos. This is his vid... and I'm in it a bit. You get to see some footage of the shoot with the green-screen behind us and all of us singing a little. It's pretty cool.

Here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36p7flEfKIg&feature=sub

Antoine is a great guy, and this is a great feature for him. I think you really get to know him and his personality in this video. He's just one example of the talent that I was working with shooting these commercials...

Today I am thankful for...

2009-11-02T10:47:00.000-08:00

American Bagel on Belmont... for being there and for having a bathroom. Simple pleasures...

Oxford (who is napping in his crate with the door open)

My apartment.

Paper lanterns (I know... how very Blanch DuBois of me).

My framed picture of Shakespeare... "Shakespeare got to get paid, son." lol lol lol...

vitamins.

CORN MAZE

granola taken from kraft services.

Daisies that Jim got me... thanks Jim!

Having about a million fake pashminas.

Tibor Serly viola concerto... sounds like a beautiful cold landscape and a singing bird... gorgeous.

The sounds of the city outside my window.

A day off.

Going back to work tomorrow.

Having enough to eat.

Paycheck in the mail.

Bubble bath addiction

Forbidden Broadway's version of "Beauty and the Beast"... ah,
Lumiere: "Be Depressed, be depressed,
because Disney is the best,
Now the biggest brodway musical's
a cartoon from the west!..."
and also:
Mrs. Potts: "How I dread,
and turn red,
acting with a severed head.
Little Chip is so repulsive,
Kiddies scream and get convulsive..."
and, of course:
"And now Stephen Sondheim's teacher,
is an animated feature!"
Classic...

The world's most comfortable futon on Earth. No. Really. THE. MOST. COMFORTABLE.

Having a bit of time to do laundry, catch up on some sleep, and walk the dog.

Joe...

Marin Mazie, Audra McDonald, and Judy Kuhn... singing together.

Looking around at my apartment and feeling that it is truly mine.

My view. The six inches of Lake Michigan I can see spakling out my window right now...

Magnet poetry that Emily wrote... "a diamond beauty after winter, a girl is delirious purple, delicate summer always shines."

Anyone who saw "Anton in Show Business".

Someone making you blush.

The fall nip in the air.

The smell of fires burning and the beauty of fall all over Chicago.

The ability to be thankful.

You.

Wait...

2009-11-02T10:27:00.001-08:00

Hold up here for a minute...

I just looked at my blog stats, and it seems that my hits are through the roof... hmmmm. Ten thousand??!! Wow.

Cool.

I'M GOING TO BE FAMOUS!

2009-11-02T10:03:00.000-08:00

Hello all fans of Amber...

So, we all know that I went to NYC to shoot a commercial (I actually went out to shoot some web commercials that were really cool), and then went back...

Here's a link about the auditions for the commercial (No, I am not in it... but I'm in the commercial, and you can't have it all... and I'm not complaining.)

http://www.youtube.com/user/bestbuy?blend=2&ob=4#p/c/0528A55AFDA268C0/1/Mf3WXkiKXPU

So, this is a little clue about what I'll be doing... as soon as I know more, you'll know more!

****************

On a personal note... I'm feeling much better than I was. I'm back in Chicago (a bit unexpectedly... by not for long), and though I feel like life is a whirl-wind, I'm starting to love every minute of it. I can't believe where life has taken me right now... I feel like I'm in someone else's life. Is all of this really happening? It's amazing, and I'm so happy at this very moment. I can't wait for whatever is next.

Weeeee!

2009-10-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

Well, it never stops, it seems...

I'm still riding the momentum of being in New York City, and I'm back in Chicago.

So, why do I have an urge to write? Well, I'm not feeling great (physically), and there's something niggling the back of my brain and I can't figure out what...

I feel unsettled. That's part of it... I feel like I need to touch-down from the whirl wind and take real stock of what's happening in my life. I woke up this morning not really knowing where I was, what year it was, who I was. I sat up, looked around, and it all came back, but why is it that I feel like it's still 2001? Did eight years zip past me that quickly?

I suppose that back in 2001 I had a fiercer sense of self. I knew what I was, knew what I would and wouldn't do, I hardly ever surprised myself. But really, I was just a kid and I had no idea at all about what was in store for me. At that age it seems like you're on one path that will lead to one destination, and that's not right. When you're little you go to school. School is the only path. You finish your compulsory education and you continue on, because that is what you are suppose to do, but after you leave school there's no more "supposed to do" (with the exception of all of those silly expectations like, "buy a house", "make a baby", "get married" ... maybe not in that order). You are free to become whatever you want. The problem with this is that though you get an education nobody ever really tells you HOW to get what you want. You sort of assume that it will all work out because it generally always has before.

I know we all have challenges, and it's tough to have any kind of goals or expectations in this world. Nothing ever turns out like you think it will.

Human interaction is an amazing thing. You never ever know what you will get from any human interaction. If you are like me and have a capacity for loving people, and have found that that capacity gets you into trouble more than it helps you, you feel this more acutely. Human interactions are what life is all about. We all have so many of them every day, and yet how often do we remember or pay attention to them? And how often do we over-think them?

I think this malaise I'm having stems from the feeling that the last two years of my life just slipped right through my fingers. It's almost like it was all a dream. I have no connection to this time of my life anymore. I've moved, I no longer work at RBT, etc, etc, etc... It's so funny to have no connection to it aside from the few friends that remain from that period. I feel like I woke up in 2009, having fallen asleep in 2006.

How does a person go throught life and simply enjoy it? I have such trouble with this, though it is exactly the type of person I'd like to be. What do I do? How should I feel? What's right? I'm struggling right now because eventhough I have so many goals I don't feel connected to them. I feel like I have to temper my desires because of what's expected of me. I'm not allowed to really be a part of anything. I feel slightly outside of my own life. Like I have to hold on loosely to everything and all I want is to have some firm ground.

Firm ground is in short supply.

That's it! That's exactly what it is... I want to put my feet on solid ground. I want to have some truth. I want to have the assurance of some kind of meaning or permanence or over-arcing purpose.

Ah, but that takes commitment... and I'm scared of that as well...

So, here I sit. Being terrified of the thing that I think would make me happiest. Is that right? I'm completely messed up.

Today I am Grateful for...

2009-10-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

Ray Smith. The President of my Fan Club...

Boys who's names start with "J".

New York City.

Five Dollar Foot-Long...

Per Diem.

The Opportunity to be here filming this amazing commercial...

Getting to go union...

"Glee"

Emily Bodkin (she's taking care of my Oxford while I'm away, and also she is awesome in general).

"They say that happiness is just a thing called..."

Christmas Carols in October.

The whirl-wind of my life.

The security to be truly honest with someone and not feel like you've done something wrong in being honest.

Free coffee before noon from the wonderful Italian Restaurant at the Martime Hotel.

Spending time with Andrew on Monday.

The possibility of seeing a broadway show this weekend.

Joe.

Flying back first class.

Health.

True happiness. Real, true, secure happiness.

Feeling good... the song and the feeling.

NY1

Netflix streaming movies.

$5 Pashminas on Broadway.

I <3 NY t-shirts.

Oxford.

Having more than enough of everything I need.

My wonderful family.

The possibiliy of going to a corn maze next week... Yay!!

My education...

Being on the Dean's List.

This bucket of Ice.

"The Namesake" that Julie lent me.

You.

A Note on Change... and Best Buy commercial shoot...

2009-10-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

So, tonight I was talking to someone who is pretty new in my life, and as we were talking they mentioned that they read this blog... well, I just went back and read what they had read, and I have to say that I'm not sad that they read it, but that sometimes the way you feel in the crucible of a moment is so much different than when you gain some space and insight from it.

This is perhaps the problem with blogging... anything that you have written in the past can be experienced as someone else's present, and things can change (sometimes suddenly, with force, with new realizations).

How I felt is how I felt, but in some cases it's not how I feel now. I write this blog for those in my life that I'm far away from, and sometimes it's easier to write about things than it is to say them...

A lot has changed for me recently... I've taken on owning a company (sort of...), producing for the first time, filming and joining SAG, etc, etc, etc... and there were moments only a couple weeks ago when I questioned why I was doing what I'm doing... why am I even in Chicago? Why "Anton"? Why acting? But now, suddenly, I feel like everything is sort of falling into the correct place. I'm here because I'm supposed to be, and I have ignored myself and my reasons for coming to Chicago for the last year and a half. It's time for that to stop.

So, yeah... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I write this stuff, and ususally it's in the crucible of the moment, and though I'm expressing what I feel in the heat of that moment, take it with a grain of salt.

**************************************

New York is great. We're shooting tomorrow, and I'm not even close to finished with my homework. I have to meet the car at 7AM, so I think I'm just gonna take my homework to the set. They said it'd be a lot of "hurry up and wait", so I know I'll have time to do it tomorrow...

I think what I'll do is copy and paste all the assignments into a word document, do them off-line, and then when I get back to the hotel tomorrow evening I'll copy and paste them into the Blackboard System... GENIUS!

Ok... I'm going to get to all that... and then I'm going to sleep so that I look (and feel) fresh as a daisy in the morning...

Kisses from New York City!! XXX

Sorry I haven't written... as usual... But you'll forgive me because I have BIG NEWS!

2009-10-12T07:47:00.001-07:00

I have been busy again... Getting "Anton..." open has occupied most of my life, but then there's also studying, working at the good ol' Best Buy (which has gotten back into it's rhythm), and the Fall TV lineup ( :-) ). I feel like I've been running non-stop for weeks!

I really need a vacation...

If only I could get a free trip to New York City to work (where the work is really light) that lasts about a week, and where my day job couldn't get mad at me, and I could stay at a lovely hotel (on the house, of course) on the island of Manhattan and see all my NY friends and do some relaxing finally... If only that could happen...

WAIT!

IT DID!

I'm in New York shooting a commercial for Best Buy this week. It was pretty short notice, and it was a bit frazzling to get someone to run the lights and sound for "Anton..." for me, and someone to watch Oxford, but it ended up all working out really well! Emily (thank God for Emily) is going to watch Oxford for me, and Devon ran lights/sound last night (what an angel he is... very kind and very calming to be around... literally, an angel I think), and Joe (co-producer Joe) is running lights/sound next weekend (what a devil he is... but the very best kind of devil, and thank god he is using his powers for good at the moment because this show would've been a big turd pile without his help).

So at this point I have no idea what this commercial will entail. I know I'm singing Christmas Carols, and I might be doing a "true story". I'm not certain. I know that we'll be in uniform (and I forgot my NAME TAG!) But aside from that, I'm in the dark.

The rehearsal today is short... just 1pm to 4pm. The GREAT news about that is that we are at Ripley-Greer Studios which is where I auditioned for Hairspray (and various other ventures), and they've got a great little coffee shop right next to the studio (where I've spent even more time than anywhere else at Ripley-Greer).

The bad news about all this is that I have about a million assignments due tonight for my Science class and about the LAST thing I want to do today is study. It'll just be a couple hours today, and I'll be finished for the week, so I should just do it and get it over with. After rehearsal. Before dinner. Yes.

We'll see if that actually happens...

Alright, I've got to go get presentable because the car will be here to pick me up in a little over an hour...

If you're in NYC drop me a line and come over and hang out!

I just can't live without it.

2009-09-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

I'm back in Chicago! I spent a long weekend with my grandparents in North Dakota last week which was great, and before that I was in Michigan closing "Nunsense II". School is still going really well... 4.0! And all is well.

Last night I went to Beloit, WI for an audition for "Another Night Before Christmas" with Wisconsin Theatre Works. It went very well, and the people were great. The music is beautiful and the book is perfect for me... a cynical urban social worker who has lost the spirit of Christmas... enter Santa... and witness the hillarity. I hope I get it. They were great and the space is really cool and I really want this Christmas Gig! Well, we'll see.

The strange thing is that I feel a little discontented today... there shouldn't be any reason to feel this way, but here it is. I'm just gonna write it out....

I have a meeting at Best Buy today, and I've been getting mixed messages from people there. I have no idea what to expect.

The other strange thing is that my availabiltiy has been the same for monthes. I told them when I would be back the day I left, and two weeks before that. My availability hasn't changed, and it feels like because my commitment to my 20-year career is greater than my commitment to a part-time job I had for a few monthes people no longer want me to work there. I called to see what needed to happen for me to start work again. They said call to get your schedule. I called. I wasn't on the schedule.

I've been very consistent with them, so why are they so inconsistent? I said what I was doing, where, when I'd be back, etc from the very beginning of the Nunsense gig. Nothing has changed for me, so why is the reception so icy?

I was completely straightforward in my interviews. I've never hidden the fact that I have a career outside of this one part-time job. My career pays better, I'm educated in it, and it makes me happy. When all of these things are true of a day job, I will switch careers. Until then I remain in the theatre and blissfully so.

I know that it's difficult to understand for people outside the business. I get that so much. But I don't understand when I'm completely straightforward with people about what I do why it's difficult for them when I turned out to be telling the truth.

Yes, I work as an actress. I know that I don't look like what people thing when they hear the word "actress". I'm not glamourous, I'm not gorgeous, I'm not six feet tall and weigh 98 pounds. I get it! Ok?!

I understand that you think I'm lying about what I do for a living, because I cannot possibly be successful because I'm not as pretty as you think I should be. You probably think I'm an 'aspiring' actress, or that I want to be an actress, or something like that. Nope. Sorry. I work more than most of the people in my field by far. I really am a performer, and I don't want to be a movie star, or be on Broadway, or be so famous I can't go to the grocery store.

I just want to perform. Everyday. For the rest of my life. When given the choice, that is what I choose. A close second is teaching others about theatre or music. If I'm passing it on, I also feel very fulfilled and happy.

This is how I really feel right now. If I felt like I could survive without the theatre in my life, then I would. I'd get a 9-5 job and play piano with my dog at night, read a book, take a bath, and go to sleep and just do it all over again the next day. But I can't do that for too long without having a show.

I feel at home in the theatre. When I'm away from it for too long I get depressed and when I come back to it it's like coming home again. I just want to be in the building. I want to have a hand in creating magic... everyday.

I'm kind of crazy... I know. Heck, right now I'm putting everything I have on the line to put on a show. I'm producing, designing, directing, and everything else... I want to do the play. Plain and simple. And I want to do it badly enough that I'm putting myself on the line to do it. I'm taking the risk because I believe in the show and in The Theatre. I cannot survive without it.

I get the plight of the common man who has to deal with this mentality. There are a lot of people who thrive on the rhythm of life. They work best when they have consistency, and I'm sure I'm a nightmare for these people. Like my department manager. I'm certain that he can't understand the way that I am, and he wouldn't be the first to take my passion for the theatre as a lack of respect for them or what they stand for. I understand that every morning that I'm not there while I'm off performing is proof that I'd rather be somewhere else, so why should they do anything for me?

I suppose that the short answer is, "They shouldn't." They don't owe me anything. I worked for them, they paid me, and if that's the end then that's the end. I feel that it shouldn't be so difficult to find a day job that understands this, but that is because I've been so fortunate in the past. Maybe it'll work, and maybe it won't, but I'm just in limbo until it's decided.

If there was one thing I wanted them to know at my day job it is this:
If I could live without it, I would, but I can't.

It's been my life for more than two decades now, and I love it with every fiber of my being. It's not always great. It's not always perfect. It's often brutal and difficult and vicious. Even when it's going well it's sometimes very difficult. But it's my home and I see it for what it is. A glorious, flawed, terrible, wonderful thing that I can't live without.

Nickles and Dimes have become Fifties and Hundreds...

2009-08-19T17:33:00.000-07:00

So, the stress level in Amberville has increased to level Orange.

The things that are going well:

I have a lot of interest in the auditions for "Anton in Show Business", which I am producing at the Theatre Building with my theatre company Lighted Match Theatre Company.

Nunsense is still going really well, and the girls are all great.

I'll have my puppy back on Saturday.

I'm doing well in my classes still... still have a 4.0.

Now, the things that are getting to me:

The building deposit for "Anton..." is a bit more money than I've got on hand, and without having a place to live in October, I've given the money that I reserved for the deposit on my new apartment... If I can't recoup this money I may be in serious trouble. I know that it'll all work out like it's supposed to, but it stresses me out.

We need to have a fundraiser, and without having a lot of contacts in Chicago, and without really knowing which organizations to go to, I feel a little lost.

We don't currently have a rehearsal space. J.. is working on it, but it might be a bit of a mish-mosh. I'm also dealing with actor's schedules at the moment, and having any kind of restrictions on when I can rehearse is adding another level of uncertainty. It's totally do-able, but I'm, again, feeling a little lost.

I have absolutely no idea what's going on with Best Buy. The last time I went in my department manager told me to file for a leave of absense. In order to that I'd have to either get a fax machine (which I don't have in the Cornwell's Dinner Theatre FARM HOUSE), or drive six hours round-trip on a working day. They know where I am, they know what I'm doing, and they have always known my intentions. I've been trying to work around what they want me to do, and honestly, in this case it's a little daunting. I can absolutely see it from their point of view, but when I interviewed I was very up-front about my schedule, and about my career. They know that Best Buy is my day job, and hopefully they also know that I love to work there. It seems that my department manager in particular has some problems with my success in my career. He asked me how long I intended to do this theatre thing... um, for the rest of my life. I've dedicated over two decades to this career, and I'm not giving it up for anything. It shouldn't be that difficult. I want to work there when I'm in town, do the best work I can, learn constantly, and have fun helping people. That's the kind of day job I want, and I hope that's what they are.

I have to move out of my apartment by the 1st of October, and I have no idea where I'm going to go. I want to sublet or get a temporary room so that I won't have to pay rent when I'm in Michigan next summer... and so that Oxford can be here with me. This is just a matter of doing some leg work, and (UNFORTUNATELY) spending more money.

I need insurance, a house manager, and a stage manager for "Anton..." and I lack funds and contacts.

These are the primary things that are getting under my skin. I am in a little deep right now, and I feel like there's nobody I can really vent to about it... it's just too much. I need some help and have no idea who I can ask. I need somebody to take one of these tasks off my shoulders... if only I had a personal assistant who could figure one of these little stress-nuggets out for me!! Or a fairy godmother. Or Santa...

Progress...

2009-08-10T12:54:00.000-07:00

I have dates, times, and venue all squared away for "Anton in Show Business". I am producing a play. WHAT??!! That's still so strange... but there it is.

I have done all of my laundry... and I mean ALL of my laundry. I washed things just to wash them. The last batch is in the dryer...

I met Brian's brother last night. He's a cute kid... 18 years old... Ate baby octopus at the Korean Restaurant because Brian made him.

I feel really good right now.

Oh! There's the phone... gotta go!

Kisses!

What am I doing??!!

2009-08-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

Okay,

We close Nunsense II in a few weeks.

I still don't have an apartment for October.

I feel very strange and detached from the world.

I just turned 31.

I have 20 minutes to get to the bank and get back.

I haven't taken a shower yet.

I miss Brian.

I need to deal with some of the emotions I've been bottling up.

I have unresolved issues with former friends that make me feel guilty for just looking at their picture, when in reality I've done nothing wrong to them and I they've done nothing wrong to me (in some cases that's a stretch), and what really happened is that I feel guilty for never taking the risk and just telling them that I really did love them. Not that I want my life to be any different than it is, but it makes getting on Facebook a torturous exercise... and I'm not talking about romantic love... I just wanted to be special to SOMEBODY... see previous blog.

I have a paper due in a week about Distributed Cognition and Corporate Ethics... could've picked an easier topic... what am I doing???

Still have a 4.0, but will be coming in just over the wire in this ethics class, I think... ARGH! Must get perfect scores on all the easy assignments so I can have some wiggle room for the research paper and the final...

Why, why, why do I think it's a good idea to try to produce a play in the fall???

I need to get the rights.

I need to order scripts.

I need to post an audition notice!!!!! AHHHHH!!!

Who's going to audition for this thing, let alone come see it?!

You can't "make it happen" when an equal participant says, "no."

I feel like I'm not even in Michigan... like I'm completely detached from reality. I'm here doing the show, but I feel like I'm never really in any moment that I'm living. Where did that ability go?

I NEED to go to the bank! What am I doing??

I was up until 4am last night. I can't stand the thought of falling asleep. What is that all about?

Had strange dreams about bottled up emotions that I haven't dealt with... Yay.

I need a cup of coffee...

We have two shows today.

Ok!!!

Alright. I'm getting in the car, then I'm going to the bank, then I'm getting a cup of coffee, then I'm coming back here and drinking it.

Now, all I have to do is figure out what I should cut out of my life so I don't fell so mentally taxed every minute of every day... Is there anything? Is this just what this part of my life will be like?? Probably. Must bank, coffee, write!! Love you (I know this is a public forum, but if you're reading this, it's true).

"I know I'm not special..."

2009-07-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

"I know I'm not special,

I'm one of the crowd,

but what I feel is special,

and that's all I'm allowed..."

from "No one cared like you"

from Nunsense II

So, here I sit in my little room in Michigan... missing Br... and thinking about the nature of friendship.

For me there are very few enduring friendships in my life. Part of the problem is that I'm never anywhere long enough to really make friends... or at least that's my excuse. I think I'm not a very good friend, or I'm not a forgiving person, or something. I was looking at a college buddy's Facebook page today, and at their wedding photos, and I remember really wanting them to be my friend but it never quite getting there. I don't really make friends easily, and when I think someone is really special it somehow doesn't really work out...

I have friends from my Cincinnati days, and I've retained a few of them (heck, I live with one of them) but so many have fallen through the cracks of my life; the cracks created by all the travel, and the misunderstanding, and I really wish sometimes that it didn't have to be this way.

I'm not a great communicator. That's part of it for sure...

But maybe the root of it is that I'm really not a very good person. I am bitter sometimes. I've played the victim in my life. I want a lot from people. I don't accept my own flaws. I want things I don't have and get jealous of people who have them. Sometimes I'm unforgiving of the faults of others.

Perhaps the worst thing about me is that there are just people I don't like. Why do I feel I need to like everybody? That's ridiculous! But why is it that others can't respect that that is the way I feel? It's not like it's in my control (not like I'm proud of the fact...) Some people just rub me the wrong way, and maybe it creates another rift between me and relationships.

I should just give it all up.

The strange thing is that I don't think there are a lot of people who are compatible with me... And those that I have felt I'm compatible with sometimes disagree with that statement. That's just the way it is.

I end up not really being that special to my friends, and that's my primary fear in life... that I'm nothing special. And since it's my primary fear, when someone proves that I'm not worth their time, or that I'm not special to them, then I leave. I don't want to experience the proof of my ordinary-ness over and over and over; unfortunately that's exactly what I do by leaving when I'm proven ordinary, and moving on to new friends who again prove my un-special-ness.

I've often felt like I should stop trying to make friends with people... who is even reading this? I write for myself, I suppose. I want people to read it. I want people to know how I feel and for it to matter to them, but really I AM just ordinary. I tried to accept this and embrace it (hence "Ordinary Actress").

Life is ABOUT relationships, and I am missing some richness in my life because I don't stick around for the mess of having friends. I have relationships, but I don't have any friends from childhood. They've all fallen by the wayside. Thank God for my family... I have my wonderful family who thinks I'm pretty great (and knows my flaws better than anybody and if they don't accept them, they at least understand why I am the way I am... most of the time).

What made me write this? Well, today I over-heard a conversation and I realized that I am not special to a person that I had invested in a bit, and it made me recognize the pattern again... so the ball's in my court, and what should I do? Run again? Accept being "not special"? Try harder? Stop trying? I am mystified by human interaction sometimes. Isn't human interaction what I do for a living? No, what I do for a living is produce a facimile of human interaction, nice and neat, and scripted, with an ending and a beginning... maybe that's the problem?

I need to be more forgiving of people, or maybe less forgiving of people? I need to have a better understanding of when to write someone off, and when to stick around because I've almost always made the wrong decision on that one... Not always... but most of the time.

The point is that I have a keen ability to just move on in my life. It usually feels good to tear everything down and start again (usually with a firm foundation, and usually not by my own decision... I usually over-stay my welcome, I feel), but it creates casualties in my relationships. I miss having friends. I miss being in one place. I miss being home. I miss feeling at home. Have I ever felt at home?

Right now I feel unsettled because It's just been proven to me (AGAIN!) recently that you can give and give and give to a place and have it pulled out from under you. If you trust people you get burned, and if you don't you don't live. I can move on and let it go and learn from it again and become better at my job... that's the choice I've made, but it's a tough one.

What can you do?

I'm not done writing about this or feeling it or thinking about it, but I should probably call this entry, "finished." There aren't answers... and I keep talking in circles. I feel like this is largely universal; that we all have trouble in our friendships. It's hard to have meaningful relationships because we have to expose our flaws to people in order for them to truly know us, and that's terrifying. It's also hard to be on the other end of it... feeling incompatible with someone, while they think the opposite. We've all been on both sides, and there's no way to avoid either one if you interact with PEOPLE.

So, what should I do? I think I'll just be okay with me, and float down this lazy river of life for a bit... Viva La Vie Ordinaire!!

But what I really mean is: Viva la Beauté de l'instant!

So, "I know I'm not special"... but, wow, do I have moments of being amazing.

I know, I know, I know!!

2009-07-09T13:58:00.001-07:00

I haven't written since May and it's July... I'm a terrible slacker!

So, I'm in Michigan doing Nunsense II, and we opened yesterday. My dog is having a summer vacation in Cincinnati with my Mom and my cousin (who's like my sis) Julie. I'm working on a wizard of oz quilt and it's almost done (unfortunately, this was supposed to be my big summer project, so I should probably start working on christmas presents as soon as I'm done with it...). I had the good fortune to spend some time with my beloved Ray S. in Cincinnati when I was there a few weeks ago. It was wonderful to see him. We went to Don Pablo's and talked talked talked... as per usual.

The show is going really well... my fellow "sisters" are fantastic and we all have a very natural chemistry and we get along. It's very easy to be on stage with these ladies because not only are they very lovely women, they are all extremely talented in their own ways. Unique, talented, dedicated women are so difficult to find in this business... how did we end up with five??!!

I very much miss Brian and the dog. It's difficult because I'm out here in the wilderness and my phone signal is sketchy... I don't get to talk to Brian as much as I'd like. I was having trouble sleeping without the dog to snuggle... This is where the traveling thing gets tough... When no matter how hard you try, it's just not home and you miss the people that you can't be with because you are fulfilling your dreams.

Well, thanks all! And I promise to write soon... probably.

The start of the oz quilt...

2009-07-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

This was the first day's worth of work on my "Wizard of Oz" quilt...

I really like it! I think I'll have enough fabric for pillowcases, pillows, and maybe even a puppy bed!!

Oxford at the puppy beach...

2009-06-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

LOVE!!

Oxford swam today!!! (and other updates)

2009-05-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

Oxford has gotten in the water at puppy beach before, but he always shyed away from swiming. Today, I waded in the water a little, and he got in so I picked him up and put him in the water a little deeper and he swam! I hope he feels more secure swiming and will start swiming with the other dogs.

The store is now open. It's the second week now, and we have so many events. I really like working mornings, so I hope that my schedule will be mostly mornings.

The events are fun. There's lots of rock stars i've never heard of... and we had a Wii event on the plaza.

Everything's going pretty well. It's hot in chicago right now. I think I could live like this all the time. Maybe I don't like cold... hmmmm.

My dog swimming was the highlight of my day. The moral of the story is that my life is boring. But I like it.

Bergan Bags, Wil Wheaton, and Procrastination.

2009-04-30T15:11:00.001-07:00

I delight in nothing more than writing on my current course's discussion board. I'm in Philosophy of Human Conduct at the moment. I enjoy when there is a spirited debate on the boards, but I can't stand it when people fail to understand what I'm saying. I have had to clarify my thought quite a bit on those discussion boards, and it makes me think that perhaps I am not a very effective writer... more on that later.

I have only one Discussion Board post left in this class and it's a doozy. We had to chose between three topics, and I selected Stephen B. Bright's view of the death penalty. Naturally, I'm now procrastinating. I told myself that I was "letting the essays sink in", but at this point I'm just procrastinating. I took the dog for a walk, and that leads us into our second topic.

Today was the first day that I got to take Oxford out in his new Bergan Comfort Carrier. Bergan is a company that makes AMAZING pet products (when I get a car again, it'll be FULL of the travel products). In addition to the bags being amazing (Oxford liked to be in his first bergan bag at home, sometimes napping in it, and could be in it on the train for hours without complaining) they are very reasonably priced. They're all under $50, and Oxford's was just $35. The bag is also so light and discreet that I can carry it while I'm walking the dog, and if I want to get a coffee or go into a shop I just put him in that bag. Win/win.

Here's the thing that happened.

Oxford somehow ripped a hole in his first bergan bag. There's some mesh on the bag for ventilation, etc and he ripped a giant hole in it that he escaped through. I wrote an email to the company and they sent us a new bag, no charge, no questions, POOF! This level of customer service is so very rare these days... amazing. On our afternoon walk we discovered that he likes the new bag just as much as the old one.

When I got back I was contemplating the essay... and a thought came to my mind. The death penalty could only be effective if it was imposed across the board for every crime. Nobody would ever break laws... I thought of this because of an episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (a side note: I often think of and write about Star Trek in my philosophy class. I am a nerd). The episode is called Justice and it was the second part of the fourth episode of season one. The episode is really about the prime directive vs. human life (if you don't know what the prime directive is, click here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prime_Directive)

In the episode an away team beams down to this planet that is almost a utopia. The culture is called the Edo, and there is no crime, everyone is blonde, svelte, and wearing hideous white scanty clothes (one poster on a Star Trek site compared the Edo to "nazi heaven"). However, the reason there's no crime is because every criminal act carries a death sentence. So, Wesley Crusher falls into a "sacred flower bed" or some such, which is illegal... and Picard has to chose between following the prime directive and saving Wesley's life.

I considered using the Edo in my essay, so I was doing a little online research on Star Trek... which of course led me to Wil Wheaton (the actor who plays Wesley Crusher), which of course led me to Wil Wheaton's blog... which of course led to me writing this very blog entry.

Why am I avoiding the Death Penalty essay? Probably because it's not going to be easy to write... and because it is inevitable that whatever view-point I present in my essay it will be assumed that this is what I believe. The thing that drives me up the wall most often is that when I try to summarize the thoughts of a particular philosopher, I will get many responses from my fellow student assuming that this is also my opinion. I generally don't let my own opinions out of the box in these discussions because it is immensely personal, and I really don't know the people in my classes.

I want DISCUSSION... which is the whole point of the boards, and when there is a spirited debate and presentation of many viewpoints I feel like we all actually learn things. There have been days when I've logged on just to see what people are writing... for FUN! Why is it that this essay in particular is giving me so much trouble?

I should go get to it... ARGH!

Day job, day job, rolly, polly, day job...

2009-04-28T16:52:00.000-07:00

So, I got a job here! I'll be working at the new Magnificent Mile Best Buy on the first floor. Here's the Hancock Building website:

http://www.johnhancockcenterchicago.com/

And here's the "street view" of the building if you wanna take a look. Hint: look up.

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&ie=UTF8&ll=37.09024,-95.712891&spn=47.167389,92.8125&z=4&om=1&layer=c&utm_campaign=en&utm_source=en-ha-na-us-google-svn&utm_medium=ha

Dumpster Diving...

2009-04-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

When scouting locations for the new Batman movie, it was determined that a variety of urban settings should be used. The makers of the film (because of it's dark nature) decided that the movie should have a lot of alleys, nooks, crannies, etc... New York City doesn't have many alleys; at least not like Chicago. Quite a bit of the film was filmed here in Chicago because of the amazingly seedy alleys that are a part of our great city.

I traverse many of these alleys every day because often they are the easiest way from point a to point b. One of the other benefits of the alleyways (aside from picturesque filming venues) is that all the alleys are lined with dumpsters.

In Chicago in the spring many people's minds turn to love, but more often they turn to getting out of their old apartment and movin' on up. It's the end of the month and many are leaving their former residences for newer, better apartments. Because of the economy rent is going down and amenities are going up. Many can find better apartments for what they are paying now.

Lots of people are moving out of the building I live in and the ones surrounding us. The alleys are like a junky, take-what-you-want furniture store. There are couches, bed frames, chairs, headboards and all manner of items. Yesterday afternoon I procured a beautiful "cherry" headboard. It's a cheapy (fiber board backed and only veneered), but it's a lovely addition.

Here are my dumpster-diving tips:

1. Spring is the best season for the dive... More people are moving in the spring, and the weather is generally temperate enough that damage to the items is minimal.

2. At the end of the month you'll find treasure... Because people's leases always end at the end of the month, that's when they move.

3. Don't wait 'til Sunday.... The best day is the last Friday of the month, because often you can get stuff on it's way to the dumpster, and it won't have sat in the alley at all. This means minimal cleaning and very little damage.

4. Be wary of anything fabric... If you can catch the couch or chair on it's way out, take it if you have room in your apt... otherwise, leave it. You never know what it's been through out in the alley.

I know that dumpster diving isn't for everyone but there is a lot of good stuff out there. It's a matter of timing.

Now, I just need a desk and a bookshelf. I guess I gotta wait 'til next month.

I feel sad.

2009-04-12T21:53:00.000-07:00

Facebook makes me sad. I don't know why... it just drains me... I'm trying to not get on Facebook but once a day. It's become a part of my online routine, but there's something depressing about it to me... it's artificial almost. I don't know...

My love languages...

2009-04-10T15:46:00.000-07:00

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

My Detailed Results:
Quality Time:	8
Receiving Gifts:	7
Words of Affirmation:	7
Physical Touch:	4
Acts of Service:	4

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

Random Random Random...

2009-04-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

One great thing about unemployment is that once I've been productive (I try to apply for three jobs every day and make a "to do" list of at least five other things... when I'm half way through I take a break) I take a dog for a walk. When it's nice I take him to puppy beach. He can be off leash and run around and sometimes get in the water and play with other dogs. It really helps to decompress, and somehow the puppy beach puts things in perspective. It's a simple joy, and it costs nothing, and Oxford loves it there. More than treats. More than his 'baby'. More than nap time.

Today puppy beach was PACKED. It was pretty nice out (I actually took off my jacket once we got there).

I look around my room, and I see clutter, and I want to get rid of a bunch of stuff. I want to be able to get to and use the things I have, and right now it's so cluttered that I just make a huge mess every time I try to get to anything.

My desk is so much a mess that I do my homework on my bed. I hate this. It hurts my back and sometimes I get sleepy...

So, I think the secret of this is to be honest about what I've got and what I actually need. As I say, "Cute is Clutter." I have so many things that are so very juvenile. There's a place and time for that stuff, but I don't need to have it all on display. That's rule one. A place for everything and everything in it's place... that's two.

This afternoon I'm going to tidy while watching Ellen... and while the puppy sleeps. He's pretty wiped out after puppy beach...

There's something about the simplicity of the puppy beach in contrast to the clutter of my space... gotta simplify.

Happy Oxford...

2009-04-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

I love my dog.

Today I am Grateful For...

2009-04-07T20:07:00.000-07:00

Today I am grateful for...

The amazing opportunity of not having work.

The amazing job I'll get that will open up the next chapter of my career.

Oxford.

The puppy beach. We went this morning and it was quiet and we were the only ones there.

Today at the puppy beach Oxford was picking up stick after stick after stick. He'd play with them and try to burry them and then leave them to pick up the next one. As he was doing this I realized that God must really love dogs because he sprinkles the ground with dog toys.

Also at the puppy beach I was sitting on the stairs, and it was sunny and a little breezy. The water was gorgeous and sparkling and I realized that I was the only person at that moment who got to see that. BEAUTIFUL!!

Orange Chicken.

My mom buying me a new printer today because my printer broke.

the kindness of strangers.

PSY 106: Philosophy of Human Conduct.

The realization that animals are happy and they never look in the mirror.

The great shower scrub that I got in my christmas stocking from Grandma C.

Convenient Food Mart coffee for $1.

getting most of my day's work done.

the coupon for a free box of milk bones from Entertainment Weekly.

the down pillow I got from Mom for Christmas.

having most of my things in one place... allbeit cluttered.

Comfort and Joy.

the abundance of luxury in my life.

my new voice teacher... I'm actually getting the belting thing. She's making a huge difference. Can't believe it. Cannot. Believe. It.

Professor Mink using my Discussion Board post as an example.

The Daily Show.

My family.

Clarity.

the realization that being self-conscious is a waste of time.

the realization that fretting about things is silly... and that fretting about fretting about things is even sillier.

being challenged by a work of fiction... I just cannot get into 'Catch 22'. I need to buckle down and get through the first three chapters!

the view from my window.

having plenty of everything I need.

Angel Food Ministries.

Mini Musicals Project at the Theatre Building of Chicago.

Cookies.

Gifts.

You taking the time to read this.

I'm coming out of the Bachelor's Degree Closet!

2009-03-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone,

For those who don't know, I'm in the process of finishing my Bachelor's. I've kept it on the "down low" for a few months because I really wanted to make sure it would take, and that I'd be confident in it before having to confront nay-sayers. I know that none of you, dear readers, would say any "nays", but I wanted to keep it down none-the-less.

My Bachleor's will be in Social Sciences with a concentration in Theatre. I'm hoping to qualify for the accelerated program soon, so I'll graduate before my current projected grad date of November 29, 2010.

The way the distance learning program works is that you take one class at a time for five weeks, and move on to the next. There are discussion boards for posting, responses to discussion boards, papers to write, tests to take, seminars that you must attend. It's like regular school, but on-line.

The thing about the accelerated program is that you take two classes at once, and because of the way the distance learning program is set up (without taking a summer break, and not operating in a "normal" semester system) any accelerated classes aren't covered by student loans. You have to pay cash up-front for that second class. It's only about $1200 per class, and I want to start doing some accelerated learning, but need to start making money first.

So, it's great news. I'm really excited about it, and I'm already on my third class, Philosophy of human conduct.

Wish me luck!!

Why'd I pick these shoes, Why'd I pick this song, Why'd I pick this career?...

2009-03-04T12:38:00.000-08:00

I BOMBED my audition this morning.

I did everything right, and it didn't matter...

Warmed up for 20 minutes before I left.
Drank H2O.
Looked Gorgeous!
Had apropriate repertoir and options.

Third note out of my mouth, I CRACKED. And not an insignificant hiccouph. A full-blown, with a whistle, un-cover-up-able CRACK.

At this point, they did not stop me, though it was clear that they were done with me. Instead they started looking at other people's headshots and resumes. They started filing the people they'd seen into piles. They looked down, and the pianist stopped following me (or possibly, I lost my confidence and wasn't sending the right musical signals). I didn't stop. I sang my whole cut. All 32 BARS OF IT!

Discouraging.

When I left I went to visit a friend who was one of my bosses when I temped last year, and she'd been let go on FRIDAY. I stopped to see if they had any filing, archiving, etc that I could do for them. She's gone.

When I got home the dog had gotten out of his crate and destroyed the room. He ripped out HOURS of crochet work I'd done on one of Brian's birthday presents, climed on the desk, chewed up a full cup of pencils, shreaded a notebook, destroyed his clicker (the third I've purchased), somehow got onto the dresser and knocked over my jewelry box, and shreaded every bit of paper he could find.

I lost it. I really did. It's too much sometimes!

So, now that I've dried my eyes, I'm going to force myself to see the silver lining:

1. I wasn't really that great for any of the shows for this audition.
2. The dog didn't hurt himself, and I now know I have puppy-proof much harder.
3. If I have to have a terrible audition every once in a while, it's good when it's for a theatre that isn't doing shows I'm thirsting to do... and they won't remember my singing this morning the next time they see me... they'll remember my face.

And they'll possibly remember my shoes.

Oxford's Mom.

2009-03-03T13:52:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe how many people in my neighborhood know my dog, but have no idea who I am.

The other day I was walking past the Inteligentia Coffee Shop on Broadway just a few blocks from my place and there were some people outside, and one lady as we approached said, "There's that dog that I love!" and after we walked by I heard her talking about how Oxford is half chihuahua and half beagle. Wow.

She didn't say, "There's that girl who owns the dog that I love!" I didn't actually exist in this exchange. It's as if my dog were walking himself down the street, getting a latte.

My dog is a celebrity.

I'm used to it... my cat Sophie won an Orchid award after all...

Maybe I should accept it and become a doggy stage mom. Get him an agent? Take him to calls every day... Never go to another audition for myself....

OR MAYBE I should take him to MY auditions... but then casting directors would just start saying, "Look! There's that dog I love!" not "There's that talented actress I love and her dog!"

Auditions again... and again... and again.

2009-02-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

I have not seen auditions so full of people anywhere in my life. The calls happening at equity lately have crazy waiting lists and people are having trouble getting in. It's crazy! I remember last year there were a few auditions where I walked in (as NON-EQUITY) and got in within the hour. The only time I was turned away was for the Chicago Shakespeare call, which was like an open-call for a broadway show.

I don't know what's going on here. I'm hearing stories about New York too. Where more and more actors are willing to take regional contracts because of the Broadway slow-down. The slow-down was bound to happen, I suppose. It used to be that tickets were a reasonable price and regular people had access to them. It's pretty absurd now. And the audience is dwindling because kids don't appreciate the theatre.

The big problem with all of this is that I am not booked up. Usually I'm not a company's first choice (I know, hard to believe), but after those first choice people drop out because of getting other offers, or because they don't want to travel, or because they find the contract doesn't suit them, I get those jobs. It's this way for most people. Most casting directors will tell you that they seldom get their first choice.

Now, where does that leave me now?

Well, I've been doing multiple auditions every week... I'm being pretty selective of the auditions I do still, but I'm gettin out there. In the last three months there have been two auditions that I NAILED... take no prisoners, perfect for the shows, did all the crazy stuff they asked for NAILED... and I didn't hear anything from these companies... I'm usually pretty good about knowing if a CD liked me, or if the director wants to work with me... but maybe I'm losing it.... and maybe I'm getting harder and harder to cast.

The point of all this is that I am not giving up, I am going to get a great job, and I know that because the market is getting tougher it means that we'll all have to get a lot better at our work. More competition is ultimately good. I also know that the next contract that I get will be meant for me, and if I have to not get these other jobs to get that one, then so be it. It's not in my hands.

Help me pay for school by doing almost nothing!!!

2009-02-06T23:04:00.002-08:00

Interested?

Okay, the story below (my first christmas lie) was submitted to Brickfish, and it's made me eligable to win $1000 scholarship.

There will be more of these in the coming monthes posted here and on my facebook profile...

CLICK THE 'VOTE' LINK!!

2009-02-06T23:04:00.001-08:00

Holiday Memories
Brickfish

So, what's next?

2009-02-01T18:35:00.000-08:00

I think that it's time to plan for the best.

So, in ideal circumstances what do I want?

I think the way that I've been looking at things lately is, "how can I make this bad situation better?" and I think it's time to change focus.

Answer "What do I want?"

Okay.

Now do something about it.

That's it.

:)

Sorry about all that...

2009-01-30T16:44:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I get all weepy and crappy.

I'm getting overwhelmed with my life right now. And I do need help. I need a bit of direction.

Something will happen!!

The End of the Rope.

2009-01-30T10:57:00.000-08:00

So, here we are again. It's true that everything is in a constant state of transition... So when does the upswing start?

I'm still unemployed, and I'm not even getting interviews. I went on one this week (my first interview since December), and I realized one reason I'm not getting called in.

The executive I was interviewing with said that I was over-qualified for a job I wanted... however, the job he wanted to hire me into required me to get four liscenses at $1200. So, over-qualified/under-qualified.

I'm not sure where to go next... and an endless parade of small unexpected expenses keeps on going by like a parade. My glasses were destroyed by my dog, bus/train fare went up... etc, etc, etc.

I got the dog fixed on Wednesday. I took him to a clinic that was two busses and an hour and 45 minutes away. The reason I picked a place so inconvenient is that they will allow you to do volunteer hours for the surgery. I did this. Worked the hours, so his surgery could be free. But now the incision looks a little bit bad... it's not as tidy as it was at first, and I'm worried that he's got an infection in it, and that I'm going to have to take him to the vet anyway, and pay the money that I would've paid to get him fixed at a better place in the first place. The spay/neuter clinic basically told me not to call or bring Oxford back because they only do the surgeries and vaccinations... they aren't a full-service veterinarian. So what do I do? I'll keep looking at it, but when do I take him in? And WHERE do I take him? I have LITERALLY no money.

I called the temp agency this morning (since I haven't worked a day since November), and they basically said they had nothing for me. And that it doesn't look like it's getting any better. They're trying to get businesses involved with a big promotion in February, but right now they're only filling 5-ish jobs a week. What do I do? They suggested that I apply with some other agencies... most aren't taking new people (as they can't place them), and the ones who are I don't really have qualifications for (health care, drivers, etc).

I'm struggling. And I feel like I just keep building and building up on this shakey foundation. I have to keep it together, and find a solution to this problem, and nothing is happening. My family has offered to let me move to wherever they are (North Dakota, Ohio, etc), but I don't have anywhere near the money I'd need to move. I don't even have bus fare to get there (let alone what I'd do with my stuff). I do feel like giving up... but what do I do then? I have to pay the rent here no matter what. Even if I move.

I tried starting the 100-Day Challenge on the 15th of January... I can't do it. I don't have faith in it. It's no use trying to fake a posetive attitude to myself. I, first and foremost, want to give up my veneer that I wear. And the 100-Day Challenge seems to insist on that veneer. That seems to be one more brick on the tottering foundation of me... The 100-Day Challenge is about taking 100 days and really putting yourself out there. Being open to experiences and having a posetive attitude... not letting yourself think negetive thoughts... taking time each day for exercise and reflection. Really figuring out what you want to do and doing it... I WANT TO BE THIS PERSON... but I can't muster the strength. I feel alone, and I feel no connection to any of this power. I'm angry, and I'm sad, and I'm unsuccessful...

I want to be able to take the dog to the vet, but still be fulfilled by my job. I want to be able to take a fun class (acting, pottery, audition workshop, dog training, etc, etc, etc) and still feel good about my work. I want to keep acting. I want to feel good and have somewhere exciting to go.

And at this point fulfillment can't even enter my mind in the job market... I can't even get an interview with Hollywood Video... the only places that will call me in need me to pay for something... liscenses, subscribe to their "service", etc, etc, etc. If I had infinite money I could pursue them all... but I can't even pay my February rent.

But what can I do but wait? And keep applying for three jobs a day... and keep waiting... but what am I waiting for? Absolute failure? Homelessness? How bad does it have to get? And what do I do then? I feel like I have no options.

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2008-12-18T19:12:00.001-08:00

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

Charity that's not charitable.

2008-12-08T19:47:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling to get a "survival job" here in Chicago while I'm in the off-season. I found one this week and it was not a good match. It's a job I should've been perfect for, but for some reason I just couldn't do it.

It was one of those jobs where you stop people on the street and ask them to donate to a charity. Firstly, I couldn't believe that those people weren't volunteers. Doesn't it take potential money from the charities to pay the fundraisers? (and they are paid hansomely if they just meet their minimum quota... they make more than my last boss. The base rate of pay isn't amazing, but there's bonuses for signing people up.) I had a few problems with the method they used to get donations, but it's tough out there and asking anybody anything on the city streets isn't easy.

I was absolutely not able to do this job. I anticipated it being really difficult, and I thought the conditions of the job would be abominable. It's funny that the things I thought that would be nearly unbarable weren't that bad, and it turned out that the thing I wasn't worried about actually stopped me cold.

The temperature didn't bother me. Being outdoors was actually lovely.

What I did feel was unprepared. I didn't feel like I could talk about this charity in an educated way, and I thought that if anyone questioned me I wouldn't be able to say anything outside my memorized pitch.

Also, I had an absolute inablitiy to speak to anybody on the street. This is something that has never been a problem before. I generally say hello to people on the street if they make eye contact. I help people open with doors. It's never been a problem. But I couldn't get anybody to look up, and I didn't feel like stalking people to get them to talk to me.

I wasn't able to speak to people. And I guess that I like helping people an talking to people and expecting nothing in return. I like like "just being nice." I'm not good at it when I'm trying to get something from them.

The fundraising thing is a tough job, but I feel like there are very particular personalities that excell at this sort of thing. I'm apparently not one of these people.

The strange thing they kept saying was, "You're an actress. This should be easy for you." But what they were asking me to do was so far from what I did for a living... the closest I've ever been to that feeling was when I was in Alaska and had to lead a sing-a-long. Should be easy, right? Not for me, no. I got it after awhile, but that first time was tough.

There's no way to rehearse an audience reaction to something like that, and to not really be out there on your own before you have to just DO IT is really difficult for me.

I should take some Improv classes...

Why is this hard? Give me lines! I'll say anything! But it always has to be in a disguise. If I have to be myself one-on-one it's almost impossible... and also, if I don't believe in what I'm selling I just can't do it.

So, I failed.

And I didn't feel supported and I felt judged. I wasn't immediately good at it, and I felt like the person that trained me expected me to fail. I felt like an outsider from the begining. It wasn't a good fit for me on either side.

So, here I am. Not employed.

I should've tried harder. I could've done it. What stood in my way?

The Man Behind the Curtain...

2008-11-16T19:21:00.000-08:00

"The Wizard of Oz" may very well be the reason that I do what I do.

I sometimes think that maybe I shouldn't count on something for my living that I first wanted to do because a chubby girl in gingham sang a song about a rainbow, but here we are...

So, here I am (and my little dog too), and "The Wizard of Oz" is on TBS. TBS may also be largely responsible for the current me... you see, they used to play old movies at 10am every day during the summer, and since I was 7 years old I watched them every day. Not only that, but they played re-runs of the Carol Burnett Show after I got out of school and before my mom got off work. I am convinced that the only reason I have any comedic timing at all is because of these re-runs.

There are a few things from my childhood that make me misty. Watching Dorothy in sepia tone singing "Over the Rainbow" is one. Another is "So Long, Farewell" from "Sound of Music"... and the "Lendler" that starts the 2nd VHS tape of "Sound of Music" is one of the first times I remember wanting to be in love with a man. I'm sure I was six or something like that, but the influence is undeniable.

I have avoided watching "Wizard of Oz" for my entire adulthood becuase I knew I'd lose it, and sure enough it took about four minutes for me to be a blubbering mess, clutching my chuahua and singing along.

I'm a sap.

And I love it!!

Thou Lovely Loon...

2008-10-14T09:27:00.000-07:00

UPDATE:

"Kate" is going very well.

We think we had press there on Sunday, but that remains to be seen. We'll see if a review comes out this week. The houses have been moderate, but very responsive.

Audiences are reacting to new things every night, the show has a new rhythm and ease to it this week that didn't exist before now, and we have officially crossed the half-way point in the run.

I have family coming to see the show this weekend, and my amazing roommate I.. is coming as well w/ some of his friends.

The process itself is a little hairy lately. We lost Scott S. because he moved away to warmer climes, and our new Bill Calhoun is our director. So, all of that and we had to do some modification of content. Our producer had issue w/ some things and we cut a few little bits... we cut all the smoking from the show, we made a set of costumes a bit more conservative, and took some offensive language out... none of it has made a profound difference to us; I just wish that it had been this way from the beginning. If we had any idea that these things were going to be a problem, they should've never existed. Truthfully, they weren't problems until there was an audience response to them. And I suppose you can't really know what they'll accept or won't...

Okay, I'm off the soap box.

Chicago is lovely.

I think I'm getting a dog.

I'm having lunch w/ Br... in a few minutes.

I have enough time today to just walk on the lakefront and have a coffee before my rehearsal...

It's a good day off...

ARGH! The "day off" never ever never is!!

2008-09-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

I'm KATE.

In "Kiss Me, Kate".

Somehow, despite being the title character I was left out of the program.

Yeah.

I didn't actually care that much... but Dick (our producer) said that he'd take care of it. Obviously they can't reprint the entire batch of programs, so I figured there would be an insert...

Little did I know...

The insert arived and it is full color with three pictures of me, the show graphics, my bio, and a full by-line for my website.

Wow.

It's a bit much, actually... and I'm EXTREMELY grateful that they did it. I would've been fine with just the bio on and insert. I looked at it and realized that it might be a good idea to update the ol' website.

Which is what I've been trying to do all week... and today it sort of whet CRAZY! The site is completely insane again and I can't figure out how to make it work right... and people are actually logging on to it. Argh!

Go on over there... it's ridiculous. Nothing really works.

Maybe a complete over-haul is in order... we'll see...

Also, I've been fooling with the finances all day.

I think I'll clean my room. Like REALLY CLEAN my room. Dust and vaccume and move all the furniture... That'll help.

As long as I'm on vocal rest the whole time it'll be sufficient "time off", right?

Grrrrrrrrrr....

Hey Everyone...

2008-09-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

So, it's been awhile since I've written. That's what not having a day job will do to you.

I am still in Indiana... "Kiss Me, Kate" is now up and running and it is like a dream come true. I love playing this role and I'm having a lot of fun doing it. She is a challenge, but it's wonderful to be challenged in this way.

I'm going home this weekend to Chicago. I feel good about Chicago at the moment. I'm not really sure what's next. Should I try to stay in the city and work only in Chicago? Should I try to get more out of state gigs? It's hard to know what to do next... and I really love my job... when it's going well. I'm just not certain... Ah, the story of my life.

Something will happen. It always does.

More "Kiss Me Kate" Photos

2008-09-03T15:17:00.003-07:00

Here's another shot from the same photo shoot...

The "Kiss Me Kate" Post Card!!!!

2008-09-03T15:17:00.002-07:00

Here it is!!! The POSTCARD FOR KISS ME KATE!! That's me and the incomparable Mr. Matt Callahan.... I love this postcard. More to come from this photo shoot!

Carousel Photo Shoot!!

2008-09-03T15:17:00.001-07:00

Photo of me and Jason Sofge (Mr. Snow to my Carrie Pipperidge). Love!

The Music Man Photo!

2008-07-04T15:17:00.000-07:00

A picture from "The Music Man".

This is me and Derek Martin on the footbridge.

"Smoke on the Mountain" family photo.

2008-05-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

Look how pretty we all are? This cast makes me smile...

And for those of you who don't know...

2008-05-08T08:16:00.000-07:00

So, I had a call-back at the Goodman on Monday... I thought it went okay, and they asked me to sing in a random twist of fate (which was not a part of the initial audition).

Little did I know...

Well, they've called me back again for "Turn of the Century" the new project having it's world premiere in Chicago at the Goodman in the Fall. It'll be directed by Tommy Tune, and was written by Brickman and Elice (who penned "Jersey Boys").

Big deal stuff... huh?

It's really cool to just be called back for this. Exciting!

Send good wishes on Tuesday at 3:30, and aim them at Chicago!

Why is D Major so hard for me on the Mandolin??!!

2008-05-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

Had a... how shall we say?...lethargic dress rehearsal last night.

D major. Basic Key. Easy for stringed instruments. But for some reason I have an absolute inability to play the mandolin in this key for the TITLE number in our show.

My performance was off in general. I felt like I was dragging my way through the whole thing. In notes T.G. told me I got too "precious" with the monologue. I agree. I was covered in schlock. It's good, I suppose to have this happen during dress rehearsal and not during a show...

I fell into all sorts of "bad actor" behavior last night. We all got the note (but I know it was for me...) that you should be leading the audience into the story. If they have figured out where you're going and they're waiting for you that is bad. It's boring to watch. T.G. also said, "The safest place is in the moment." Meaning, if you're thinking about what just happened or what's about to happen then you are in the 'danger zone'. Being on stage you must focus on the 'now', which is hard to do in life, or in fiction.

The show will be great. I have no doubt. Everyone is amazing. I'm just feeling a little strange... it has to be the fatigue. I lack the ability to focus because I'm tired. Very tired. And it feels like my mind is hashing out problems in my sleep. I'm not resting, I'm working.

I've been writing a lot lately. I've been taking my time. I've been preparing. In short, I've been doing everything that I should. I'm still anxious. There's some big unanswered question for me right now. What is it? It's like if I don't figure it out I'm not going to be able to settle down and relax.

I'm dreaming and remembering my dreams... I'm dreaming a lot about theatre anxiety... like I'm at a show and can't find the stage, or I enter in the wrong scene or in the wrong show (that's the fun part about having three shows crashing around in your head, I suppose). I'm dreaming a lot about my friends and colleagues rejecting or disliking or berating me. I'm very anxious about letting people down I think. And about looking like an idiot.

I also think that I feel a little... I'm not sure what the word is here... disconnected? It happens when I get busy. It's difficult for me to have quality time with people, and even if I see them my mind is working on other stuff for a percentage of the time... I can't fully let go and relax. I need to do it consciously. That's my task for this week. Trust myself that I've got all my ducks in a row, and let go of the anxiety. That should help.

I am a walking Coke commercial.

2008-05-05T10:43:00.000-07:00

I wish I had my camera just now...

I had an audition at the Goodman this morning and some errands to run after. I came into the office this morning and worked a little and did audition prep a lot. It was a gorgeous day and I had a great walk over to the theatre (it's just 3 blocks from my day job du jour) and the audition went well (they randomly asked me to sing. They had asked me to prepare a classical monologue and a contemporary monologue... no music, but he asked me to SING! I did a little jazz standard accapella... go me!) and on my way back I made a bank deposit for J.H. at Bank of America. They were having some kind of customer appreciation day thing and they gave me a glass bottle of coke. It was pretty cool.

All day today people on the street have been telling me that I look nice. It's the perfect thing to happen on the day of a big audition. It happened first on the walk to my El stop, and then again at Starbuck's, and then again when I got into my building.

I'm all decked out in my audition dress and I'm drinking from a glass bottle of coke, walking downtown on the most beautiful Chicago day that I've seen since living here. And I felt like a Coke commercial.

If only the Coke people had seen me at that moment... "Look! A girl drinking a coke out of a glass bottle! HIRE HER!"

*****

The crazy weekend of rehearsals went very well. "Smoke..." has gotten better and better, and "P&F" rehearsal was beautiful. My leading man in "P&F" is fantastic and very easy to fake fall in love with. The rest of the cast is amazing as well, and so professional and helpful... impeccable timing and fun to play with... Everyone is so open and focused. I don't think that there is going to be any debilitating drama this year. There's always a little drama, but I really think these people are here to work and that is so LOVELY.

My "Smoke.."-ers are great too. We've reached the point of being a true ensemble, and we have so much more FUN than I expected. Everyone is funny and gets their work done and is so talented that I just look around and am amazed at them. The show will be amazing... if we don't crack eachother up in front of the audience.

When I look back on the weekend I should be exhausted... however, I find that I am exhillarated today. It was a lot of hours logged. All day in Indiana on Friday, 12 hours w/ "Smoke" on Saturday, and 10 hours on Sunday... I should be falling over, but I'm so excited about the next two weeks that I can barely sit still.

I hope you all get to come see one of these shows (you have a while to see P&F, so NO EXCUSES!) and enjoy as much as I inevitably will be.

Rehearse, Rinse, REPEAT

2008-05-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

Yay! Another day, another dollar, another 24 hours closer to opening "Smoke" (seven days), and "Plain and Fancy" (13 days). Can't wait to open these shows!

I haven't checked my personal e-mail in days and days, my phone is out of battery and I'll not have access to my charger until 11pm, and I have digital pictures on my camera for Br... that he needs and they are just sitting in the camera because I am never home long enough to locate my own elbow, let alone a USB cable.

I chose to be this busy, though. I wouldn't trade it for anything... not even my sanity.

On a sad note, my days in property management are coming to a close... well, at least this leg of it. I really like this job, but there are shows, and commitments, and contracts, and my ultimate happiness to be considered. Though, it would make me happy to pay off my college debt... it's just the wrong time.

I've really loved this survival job. I love the people and the property. And I feel like a real problem solver here. It's really lovely to feel valuable and productive in a secondary job. It's more than I need and I'm thankful for it. It's also good to know that there are other things that I can do outside the theatre.

But, when I'm honest with myself I know that I was born to tread the boards... that's it.

Tomorrow I'm off to Nappanee to "Plain and Fancy" rehearsal again. I really like the cast of this show and I look forward to doing the run with them... Though I already know that the majority of the cast will change before long, so I won't get too attached.

Here's how "Plain and Fancy" works: This is the 22nd year of the Round Barn Theatre run of "P&F". The show runs 8 or 9 monthes out of the year and it runs along with the other shows in the season. Because of that, it usually happens that people leave to do other contracts or sometimes they are only contracted to do a few of the other shows in the season (for example: The girl playing Hilda in "P&F" right now will be leaving after "The Fantasticks" closes, and someone else will come in to play her part.) This means a ton of rehearsal all year for "P&F". We have to put people into the show when others leave, and "P&F" becomes very fluid.

It's a rare and wonderful thing when a cast memeber does an entire year of "P&F", and there's only usually a couple who accomplish this.

So, I'll be rehearsing this one all year most likely. Last year they had a "put-in" rehearsal on the VERY LAST day of "P&F".

Looking at my rehearsal schedule for the next two weeks is a little daunting. The next time I get a day off is Monday May 19th. Oh, how I love you Monday May 19th!! And if you are reading this and you even THINK about scheduling a rehearsal for Monday May 19 you will make me cry. I will weep all day on May 19th and will be generally useless in that rehearsal, so don't even think about it!

However, if you want to get ice cream on May 19th, call me!

So, basically what I'm saying is, "I'm still busy, I'll be busy for awhile, and eventhough it's incredibly boring, I'm still going to write about it."

Who rocks? Yeah, that's me.

Breaking Point.

2008-04-29T08:07:00.000-07:00

My brain has reached short-term memory capacity. Things are going to have to start becoming automatic functions in order for me to be able to continue at this pace.

The problem comes when small changes are made within the things I've already learned. I know this is the point of rehearsal, but I've got three shows careening around in my head and have to work hard to keep it all straight.

This morning I woke up without any idea of what day it was and with a vague feeling that I was late for something. And it was just Tuesday, and I was actually running early. I even had breakfast this morning!

I'm spending a lot of time lately in the "on the way" mentality. Get to the train... get to indiana... get to 30 W Monroe... get to irish american heritage center... Travel time is a huge part of every day. I'm probably walking three to five miles every day just to get places, and riding the train or the bus for two to five hours depending on the day. I'm glad I love Sodoku.

I love love love being this busy. I do. It's affirming and exciting and fun. It's fun to be challenged. I know I just need to take some extra time when I usually crash at the end of the day and organize a bit... and I don't mean organize my stuff or my room or anything physical. I need to organize my mind. Consciously clean out the stuff that I've done... get it off the desk in my brain. Write, write, write! Journal, journal, journal!!

I will not reach the breaking point because I haven't taken on more than I can handle. I know this. I've just gotta focus on feeling good and appreciating all this excess of success.

And maybe have a martini.

Double standard, vanilla, half caff, skinny, extra foam.

2008-04-28T08:08:00.000-07:00

So, here's my big cosmic question of the day:

Why are there these two images of female sexuality that are absolute opposites of each other and they are both accepted as fact?

Here's what happened. I was on the 146 bus this morning (b..., you know that means that I actually got up on time. For once.) enjoying my Starbuck's vanilla latte, and there were two people talking about how so-and-so is a slut and throws herself at the boys in their office, and "she was so drunk on saturday that she blah blah blah." etc, etc, etc... And as we pulled up to one of the bus stops I saw a very clever ad for Tylenol... The tag line was "A massage can stop or even prevent a headache. Tell your spouse." Cute.

These two conflicting images of the female sexuality side by side made me think. Why is it that women are either portrayed as sex fiends and sluts, or they hate sex and will use the 'headache' excuse to keep from having to do it?

How do these two images co-habitate in harmony?

Does this exist for men?

I don't think it does. Men are generally accepted as just wanting to have sex all the time. And the more sex they have and the more partners they have the cooler they are.

Why is this? Who decided that if a woman has sex with a man she is a slut? And conversely that women don't generally like sex at all?

Though, this double standard is actually to our advantage in one area (which was pointed out to me this weekend...) It's perfectly acceptable for a woman to buy sex toys, but for a man it's gross and perverse.

Maybe that's what we get.

We may be sluts or prudes. We may be morally judged based on how much sex we have or don't have. There may be generalizations made about how we only do it out of a sense of duty to our men, or out of a misplaced desire to be loved.

But in return for our toils, we get to buy vibrators without being judged.

Is it really worth it?

Hmmmm... Actually, let me think about this for a minute...

It just might be.

Feelin' Good...

2008-04-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

Birds flyin' high, you know how I feel.

It is a gorgeous day today. I'm going to get out of the office for a few minutes here and take a little walk. I brought a book to keep me busy between work and rehearsal and maybe I'll sit outside and read when I get to Rehearsal.

I got a call from Networks yesterday about a possiblity for the summer (involving the broadway musical "The Wedding Singer" (based on the movie)) and an audition this weekend. There's so much on my plate right now, that It'd have to be a 'final call-back' sort of situation. I can't leave town for more than a day. I have work and rehearsal on Monday, and next week starts the commuting. In addition, I feel so tired sometimes... I'm definitely not getting enough sleep. The deficit must be paid this weekend. And a trip to NYC would exhaust me further.

But it's a good opportunity... it's an okay show... just maybe not for me? We'll see. I found a pretty reasonable flight, but is it worth it to go? Can I handle it?

I feel great about "Smoke" everyone is spectacular. And the playing and singing will shape up beautifully. I'm excited... and I can't wait for you guys to see it if you can! Reserve tickets early!! The house only seats 63... :)

Well, I'm going to go get a cup of coffee and take a moment to sit outside and then come finish my work for the day...

Get out and enjoy it!!

"Fire in My Heart..."

2008-04-16T11:29:00.000-07:00

So, the insanity has begun!

Started rehearsals for "Smoke on the Mountain" on Monday. It's going to be a great show. Everyone is super talented and very nice. I can't wait to really dig in to the show.

My days are about 14 hours long right now... I'm already a bit exhausted. The problem is that I'm going to have to start throwing "Plain and Fancy" into the mix next week. There's going to have to be some intense relaxation time for me in there somewhere or I think I'll break. Somethin's gotta give...

I was talking to B.. just now, and he told me I could call him when I get home at 11pm because he's usually eating dinner at about that time. So am I. It's perfect!!

Scheduling any social event at all is hairy. I feel like I'm my own soccer mom. "Nope, I'm sorry. Amber's got Play Practice on Friday and can't make it. How about Saturday? No? Well what about mid-day monday between 1:30 and 2:15?..." I'll write a play about it... "I Am My Own Soccer Mom".

My friend N.. is out of town in LONDON at the moment, and I had no rehearsals or anything when she left. I hope that I still have time to spend with her and Su.. and St.. before I'm off to Indiana for five days a week until January '09.

One of the greatest tragedies is that last night I got home at 11pm and was going to stay up to watch "The Riches" at midnight. I fell asleep before it even came on. :(

It's of course worth it. Rehearsals won't last long. Next week and that's it! And then there will be a tiny little break where I will only be doing two shows at once in two different states, and working part time in properties management.

I'll have some weekday evenings free at least... for a week.

Ah, Beauty Divine!

2008-04-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

Just got this picture of me and my cousin MacKenzie (whom I sometimes call "mini-me") at dinner while I was back home in ND. Ah, love... true love... I was in the process of teaching Mac to crochet when I had to leave home. I need to send some presents home to her and her siblings... I'll put it on my inordinately large list of things to do... Ahhhh!

Family Photo from the 50th Anniversary Party in ND

2008-04-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

AB.c back on-line with a new look!

2008-04-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

AmberBurgess.com is back up!

The audio is a bit wonky right now, but this will be fixed ASAP. At least everything is working the way it should.

Yay!

My Web Site Has Gone to CRAZYTOWN!

2008-04-08T08:17:00.000-07:00

If you have tried to check out AB.c lately, you may have noticed that I haven't updated in awhile... well, we are experiencing technical difficulties. Boo!

If you go over there right now you'll see parts of the old design and parts of the new design all mushed together... and heaven forbid you try to visit any of the other pages! Whew! It'll link you to all kinds of crazy AB.c stuff (but certainly never what you wanted.) I don't think the audio links work at all, and the gallery (which is a slide show now. :) ) is insane. If you ever wanted to know what it was like to take a hallucinogenic drug go take a look at it.

So, anyway, my appologies on the insanity. I'm working on it!

The BEAUTIFUL poster for "Smoke on the Mountain" with the Provision Theatre Co., Chicago

2008-04-07T12:34:00.000-07:00

Back to the Daily....

2008-04-07T07:09:00.001-07:00

GRIND.

I'm back home from the "vacation" (HA!) in ND, and my Grandparent's 50 Wedding Anniversary Party. It was beautiful and it was AMAZING to see everyone... Especially my family. I miss you all so much!

I'm back in the city, and at work, and happy to be home. I love the contrast from where I grew up to here. Isn't it funny that two things so completely different can be so familiar and beautiful to me?

It's been interesting so far being home. Interesting is a good word for it. I have rehearsals starting in a week, I have that dreaded commute situation starting soon after that, and things will soon become crazy (and perhaps, I will too).

One thought keeps creeping into my little pea-sized brain. I just want to make people happy and be with them and enjoy experiences with them. That's universal; no matter if I'm in ND or Chicago.

Back home in ND I really wanted to see T.. and Ch... But, they was nowhere to be found... That's sad. I really wanted to catch up with both of them. Just see how their doing. I think of them often.

***TANGENT*** This is a tangent... and basically unrelated to the topic... but somewhere on my train of thought: I understand certain things about myself, and I'm oblivious to other things. That's how it's suppposed to be. If one was painfully aware of their flaws they'd go crazy. But we're ALL flawed. You just hope to find people in your life that like your flaws (or at least tollerate them). All in all, I'm a pretty fabulous person, I think... and I know there's things about me that are less than ideal. This is why I haven't won the Nobel Peace Prize. I'm NOT perfect. And I'm aware of it. There will never be anyone in your life that you are ABSOLUTELY 100% perfect with. You accept it, or you don't and that's it. You figure it out. What's really important to you? Decide. It's important with friends and with other kinds of relationships... family, romance, whatever... You either accept people or you don't. The end. I am an accepting person in general. I have some limits... we all do, but I'm pretty good about it I think. All of my friends have foibles and I like them anyway (or even because of those foibles). I love them, in fact. Same with my family. And other stuff too... If you're my friend, I accept your crazy, just like you accept mine.*****END TANGENT*******

Sorry about that... had to get it off my chest. And in this forum, it's perfect... I don't second guess myself here. And I can say exactly what I mean. I suppose I should just say it to the intended parties... we'll see.

Oh who cares? It's just a vent. And now it's over. :P

Having these as my first emotions being back in the city is interesting... non? It just shows to go ya... It never stops, even when you retreat to the wilderness for a week and stay exiled at a fancy dress party with your whole extended family, 75 of their closest friends, and a karaoke guy.

Up With "Down With Love!"

2008-04-03T22:09:00.000-07:00

A huge thank you to EVERYONE who came out to see "Down With Love" at the Bailiwick on Saturday night. It was a great way to debut in Chicago, and a wonderful way to spend a Saturday night.

A BIG BIG BIG BEAUTIFUL THANK YOU (!) to Ms. Heidi Ferris for her beautiful job on the piano and for all the help getting the cabaret on it's feet.

I had a great time doing the show and I'm really happy that everyone got to see it. I'm in North Dakota right now for my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary and am missing the city terribly. It's great to be home with the family of course. I just miss all of you and home.

Everything is so unchanged here... tonight I went to Perkin's and had the same waitress that I used to get when I went there to study every night in High School and College. Looked exactly the same... same hair cut, same way about her... and that's my home town. It's just what it is... a town of 16,000 people in the middle of the North Dakota Prairie. I love it here, but miss home.

I'll see everyone soon, and I'll be back in the middle of work and rehearsal and craziness so soon that it'll feel like I was never here... must take a few minutes to appreciate this.

Chicago Necessities, Part One.

2008-03-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

1. A travel hair brush. That whole "windy" thing is sort of an understatement.

2. A calendar. I used to be able to get away with just "winging it". I was doing a lot, but it was never more than I could keep track of. Not the case today.

3. LAYERS! Again with the windiness. You have NO idea what it's going to be like when you leave the house.

...There will be more.

Work...

2008-03-24T14:47:00.000-07:00

So, yeah, so...

Today was the first morning that I really really really didn't want to get up and go. It's always easy when you finally get going, but the getting of the going is a bit difficult at times.

It's a bit cold here for spring at the moment. Windy and a bit biting.

I'm excited about the cabaret...

I'm also excited about going to North Dakota next week for my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. It should be wonderful. My whole family hasn't been together like that for a really really long time.

I'm really feeling a repetition to my life right now. I don't usually feel it. The rhythm of my life is generally much broader... Not "every day the same time, same place". It's more "every six weeks a different show". The rhythm of going back into rehearsals and back into performances. It's repeditive, but much wider a repetition.

It's funny how just speeding it up makes your whole perspective different. I'm not any more or less happy to be working just because I'm at a desk... it's all still work... I mean, obviously I miss my old friend the theatre, but work is work. It's just a different cadence. It's the difference between a repeated note of music, and a repeated phrase of music...

I can't wait to get back on stage. That rhythm will be even faster because I'll be here in chicago working as usual, but I'll also be training-it down to Indiana for "Plain and Fancy" rehearsals, and training-it back up here for "Smoke on the Mountain".

My big big big hope is that I can take enough time and be present enough to really enjoy all of it in the moment. I hope I don't miss anything. I'm afraid I'll wake up one morning and it'll all be over...

Today...

2008-03-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

Is the day. Rehearsal in Nap-town, Party in Chi-town.

2008-03-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

Love and the Weather...

2008-03-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

Birds of a feather,
Can't be depended upon!!

DOWN WITH LOVE!

And...

It's snowing like crazy here. I hope I can still make it to Indiana for my rehearsal tonight. I'm taking the train out, and will hopefully be picked up at the airport by someone. Then it's off to Karaoke in Nappanee, and then sleep, and a rehearsal tomorrow with Heidi... and then back home again.

This will be a preview of the coming monthes...

I'm really excited about being so busy, but the transportation thing is the only hairy part. How's it really going to work? Is it really going to work?

You see, I have to take the train from Chicago to South Bend, and then have someone pick me up and take me to Nappanee for rehearsals, shows, etc... and then back again once or twice a week until June.

It'll be great!

Except...

In situations like this where the weather is terrible. What if I get stuck somewhere and can't make it to a show? That'd be terrible!

I'll trust that it'll all be perfect.... :)

What good will worrying about it do anyway?

2008-03-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

I was reading old e-mails and cleaning out my inbox this morning before work, and what to my wandering eyes should appear? A bunch of e-mails from when I first set out into the wide world away from Cincinnati theatre. It was a similar time to this one.

The differences, of course are that I am moving back toward stability instead of away from it, and that I am taking an even bigger risk with even more obligation. It's just progress.

I owe myself a posetive attitude in these times. I just get very hard on myself because I expect a lot of me... I shouldn't make things harder by getting all silly and mopey... I came to this realization because of someone from my past and something they wrote in an e-mail YEARS ago.

Ah, the past...

When I hit this feeling of malaise (when I spiral back around to discontentment), I reflect on the past... and I'm doing it again... the last time this happened I got back in touch with someone I love dearly, and I hope the same can happen this time.

Here's the thing:

I have gone back and read some e-mails from a life-long friend of mine, and when I say 'life-long', I mean transcends boundaries, knew me before I was me, through crazy circumstances, since my age was calculated in single digits friend.
He's always right, dammit! Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know deep down that you're right, but I find your rightness infuriating. Just to let you know (in case you're reading this, though that is highly unlikely I suppose).

Here's the other thing:

I felt like this (starry-eyed and vaguely discontented) sometime in the past and he said some things that I wasn't ready to hear until I felt this way this time.... strange? Yes. Unexpected? No.
He said that 1) I am the one to blame for these feelings because every opportunity I have ever desired has been there for me to take. I must want to feel this way, and I must want these circumstances to be true more than I want the thing I say I want. And...
2) That there are those out there who have loved me my whole life who only want the best for me and are there for me if only I'd go to them and let them help me.

Of course, there are problems with this: I am ridiculous and insane is the first problem. Always have been...

If I could get over the crazy... oh what a lovely world it would be. NO fear. Workin' on it!!

I just need to learn to be easier on myself and just let all of it happen. It's the reason I'm here, and I'm doing great. Love. My. Life. I do!! I must stay up-beat and see the world through this lens... It takes constant vigilance!!

Introducing... My new press blog.

2008-03-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

I have endeavored (in this ghost of a tale, to raise a ghost of an idea... sorry, couldn't resist. I know Mark Helphinstine will appreciate that, and he's probably the only one... anyway! back to the blog...) to make updating my web site easier for all concerned. It's part of the reason I started this blog (the main reason being to talk about myself on the internet, but a secondary reason was that I could update anytime and inform anyone who cares about my business...)

In the interest of that, I have decided to use the same format for my press releases and reviews. I have a press archive on the current website (www.amberburgess.com), but I want to streamline. The Press and Reviews blog is:

An Ordinary Actress... Press and Reviews:

http://amberburgesspress.blogspot.com/

The only information in this new blog will be press and reviews for current and past projects. Only published literary material by others, nothing by me.

So now I have a blog by me and I have one about me! Wow. I am so important! :)

I hope that this new format will be more efficient and easier to keep current. Any input is appreciated!

LOVE,
A

Press Release and Info for Upcoming show...

2008-03-17T08:28:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone!

For those of you interested in seeing my upcoming cabaret "Down With Love!" at the Bailiwick, here is a link to that information (also, a list of the other performers and info on the Bailiwick and the cabaret festival).

http://lasvegas.broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=25841

Come on down and see me!!

"DOWN WITH LOVE!" - the cabaret, not the sentiment.

2008-03-16T12:14:00.000-07:00

"Down with love the flowers and rice and shoes
Down with love the root of all midnight blues
Down with things that give you that well-known ping
Take that moon wrap it in cellophane

Down with love let's liquidate all its friends
Moon and June and roses and rainbow's ends
Down with songs that moan about night and day
Down with love yes take it away, away

Down with eyes romantic and stupid
Down with sighs and down with cupid
Brother let's stuff that dove
Down with love"

from "Down With Love"- the song, not the cabaret...

Well, it is about that time...

It's two weeks until my cabaret "Down With Love!" goes up at the Bailiwick Theatre here in Chicago.

Here are all the details:

"Down With Love!" starring Amber Burgess

Featuring the piano stylings of Ms. Heidi Ferris

BAILIWICK REPERTORY THEATRE 1229 W Belmont Avenue Chicago IL 60657

Bailiwick@Bailiwick.org ph: 773.883.1090 fx: 773.883.2017

March 29th at 7 PM

Tickets are $10 for just my show, or $15 to see me and the other act that's on after mine.

This is going to be a fun evening. I promise. :)

Blah, blah, blah...

2008-03-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

I am filled with this feeling of... blah.

Why?

That's a tough question... I think it has everything to do with the fact that I am not in a show right now.

I'm rereading "Pride and Prejudice" for the third time because I can't seem to find a book that really captures my imagination.

Every night I go home and practice (on violin I do at least the first six mazas etudes, and I play some Beethoven on the piano every night. Sometimes I sing and sometimes I play the guitar). Last night I ran through all my solos for "The Music Man", and played my standard beethoven, and did my little etudes. I don't get home from work until about six and then I practice until 7:30 or 8. And then it's already an hour into 'prime time', and I feel like it's almost time for sleep. I eat dinner, I watch TV (always the Daily Show and the Colbert Report for certain) and drift off after talking on the phone for awhile to Mom or J...

It's a routine.

Sometimes I write. Sometimes I knit. Sometimes I am the most boring person on the planet.

I'm actually doing a lot socially. I have friends here in Chicago... N... and S... and S... and we all spend time together at least once a week. It's awsome.

Outside of these times I have to say that I feel a little bit isolated. And I feel like I have a ton of work to do and I never get it done. I tend to be tired when I get home from work... which is funny because I don't generally do a lot of "physical" work. I type, I file, I stuff envelopes. Easy stuff to do, sometimes fun, and the offices I work in are great... and what would I be doing otherwise? I'd be watching cable. I still wouldn't be getting everything done... I think I'm just a lazy butt.

It's a big ol' life transition moving to Chicago, and I'm feeling... hmmm... what is it?...

Old.

I feel like it's time for something to change... and so much has, but so much hasn't.

It's like when you're working out. You feel great when you start doing it, and you drop pounds and you have more energy, and you notice changes in how you look... and then after awhile you stop noticing things change... you're still working just as hard as you were, it's the same stuff... but you're not getting results like you used to... there's no progress.

That's what I feel like at this very moment. There's no progress.

So much has changed, but I'm still stuck in some situations that I've been stuck in for years. And resistance is not helpful, and getting to the bottom of it all seems impossible. It's just you. It's part of who you are and always has been.

I think I expected "fresh perspective" from Chicago. Like it would open a vista of self-discovery. That hasn't happened in the way I expected. I still want the same things that I don't have, and I'm not sure that I believe that they are possible anymore. I feel like I'm getting too old for childhood dreams.

I feel like I'll never be rich, I'll never achieve the level of proficiency or success that I set forth to achieve, and worst and best of all... I'll never be rescued. Nobody's gonna swoop in and just take care of all of it for me. And that's what I've wanted since the age of two. "Can't somebody just fix it?", and that question expanded from that first disappointment and began to leak into others (Can't someone pay off my student loans? Can't someone pay my medical bills? Can't someone make me feel like I'm worth it? Can't someone pick me up when I have hit the absolute bottom?) It all started that early, and it seems impossible to turn it off.

The worst part of it is the embarasement of admiting that I actually believed (or believe) that it'd happen... that someone or some circumstance would fix anything. You make these circumstances yourself, and you have to apply yourself in order for anyone to want to help you.

This is why fairy tales are destructive. You can be passive aggressive and a victim in a fairy tale and you will recieve whatever you need because of a particular virtue (usually it is because the girl in the fairy tale is pretty beyond all human comprehension). Things are not so cut and dry in our real world. You can have virtues and still not get what you most need in this world. You can also be horrible and never recieve your comeuppance.

I write like this all the time. Mostly because it's possible to temporarily stem the flow of these thoughts, but it's never possible to turn them off completely. It takes constant vigilance to keep yourself perpetually afloat. If I let too much go and just let be, I spiral right back around.

Maybe there's solace in the spiral.

Your life is just a continual spiral where you keep coming back to the same things over and over and over; you just see them from a new place, a new angle. Hopefully the time that has passed and the lessons you learn teach you more how to deal with the coming back around... or at least how you should react to it. And maybe because you can always guarantee that it's gonna come back around you can take comfort in it. That you will always come back around again.

There is no "never again". The cirucumstances may change, but you'll come back to the issue again and again hopefully you'll have learned enough to not let go.

So, I guess the question is: Have I learned enough?

I've taken this leap of faith a few times and I'm always pleasantly surprised...

But the issue at the core of the spiral that I keep coming back to is....

Getting too secure and comfortable where I am. It forces me to leap to the next great risk...

Here are all the instances, in order:

Auditioning for "Gustav the Gorumet Giant" (age 9)
Jr. High Play
High School Theatre
College at Concordia
College at Millikin
Cincinnati
Alaska
Traveling only...
and CHICAGO.

From the very first time it took a risk, and yes the risks have gotten easier to take... but in every circumstance (from 20 years ago to now), I expected to fail and was proven wrong. I succeeded.

What's the issue at the core? It is the two halves of me and the tug of war between them.

One half says, "you're amazing."
The other half says, "you suck."

And they are at concentric ends of the circle. From one to the other over and over and over...

At the very center is me, and usually I am between these two extremes. I view my talent, my appearance, my self at the center of the spiral...

It'll always come back around to the other, I guess. And I can take that comfort and it'll help get me back to the other side.

Wow. Sorry. Got deep there for a minute.

This post did not start out to be like this. I have a gift for the rambling. And the endless blank page was too inviting for me to stop writing...

My thoughts seem to have no end... another spiral. That brings me back to "blah". I think I am realizing that despite all of my best intentions and my desires to be other than I am, none of who I really am deep down is ever going to change. And with that realization comes this feeling.

I can try to change myself, but the same motivations will still rule my life... the desire to be rescued, the desire to do theatre because it is remarkable and because it is a way to recieve love without having to really risk anything and becuase it is a way to not be me; the desire to prove my worth, the desire to be valuable and anything but ordinary... (and there are much more noble attributes than this, but why waste time with the un-squeeky wheel?) These desires will be there whether their outside symptoms are there or not... Either the symptom or the supression of the symptom will rule my life.

Is that cynical? Or grim?

I guess, but it's also okay. If I know these things are just true and sometimes they make me do stupid thing then maybe I can accept my mistakes and my flaws and not beat myself up about them. Maybe?